


Cloudy Days(Requests are open)

by Dancingqueen17



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, KaGAYama, M/M, Multi, OOC, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sickfic, Sleepovers, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Suga is literally their mom, Team as Family, Weight Gain, nobody is straight, timelines literally dont exsist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:53:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 31,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24344575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dancingqueen17/pseuds/Dancingqueen17
Summary: A bunch of super angsty one shots.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Ennoshita Chikara/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Shimizu Kiyoko/Yachi Hitoka, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 62
Kudos: 506





	1. Hinata/Kageyama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: eating disorders, self harm

Hinata wasn't really sure how it had gotten so bad so quickly. He didn't mean for it to spiral completely out of control. In fact it was the complete opposite. He wanted to get a little more control, improve his volleyball skills, and gain some muscle too. He had started eating healthier and working out more, and for the first few weeks everything was going well. But Hinata was never known for his paitence, so he sped things up a bit. Increasing practice times and decreasing meal sizes until he got what he wanted. He liked the muscle that he had added to his body and his receives were improving as well. But he still wanted more. So he made more time for practice and cut his already meager meal sizes in half. He wasn't sure why though, he knew logically he needed food to gain muscle, but he wasn't sure that was what he wanted anymore. Being empty made him feel so light, he felt so in control.

 _And you couldn't be too heavy if you wanted to jump super high anyway. He wanted to jump higher. So he needed to be lighter. It was simply the law of gravity (at least he thought so, he had dozed off during science)._

………...…...

"Hinata, let's go dumbass. If we're late to practice again Daichi will kill us." Kageyama yelled while running out of the classroom.

Hinata looked up from his desk to see class was in fact over. Had he been daydreaming the whole time? His grades were dropping dangerously low already. Takeda had already told him that if he didn't get them up soon he would have to be benched for the season. With a sigh he collected his things and swung his bag over his shoulder. Usually he would have raced Kageyama to the club room, but he couldn't change with the team anymore. The thick bandages on his thighs made sure of that. Sure, they hindered his progress ( _to what he was trying to achieve he was still unsure_ ), but the cuts had came as an easy punishment to his mistakes. If he fumbled spike or ate whatever he deemed to be too much, he simply added a few new cuts to his leg. Just deep enough to bleed, but not to do any real damage. It was fine, the shallow scars didn't take too long to heal. The only _real_ problem he had was getting the team off his back.

His tardiness was not going unnoticed. Daichi was very concerned at his lack of enthusiasm. He had tried to act more energetic sense then, but he was just so tired.

…...…...………….

By the time he got to the club room it was empty. He was glad it was. Not only were his thighs covered in cuts and bandages, he had lost a significant amount of weight. So much so that he opted for an oversized volleyball uniform. He threw on his volleyball clothes and headed out to the gym. He expected Daichi would be furious with him for being late. He was right.

"Hinata, you better have a good excuse for this. You've been late to every practice this week." Daichi said slowly. He sounded angry, yet slightly concerned. Hinata hated worrying people.

"Hey Daichi, let me talk to him okay?" Suga suggested while rubbing his boyfriends shoulders calmingly. Daichi muttered something about stupid first years before going back to lead warm ups.

Hinata looked at Suga thankfully and slapped a (obviously) fake smile on his face. "Thanks, I thought he was gonna kill me."

Suga sent him his signature disappointed look. "You should be glad I don't kill you. Why have you been late all this week? And don't try any excuses, Kageyama said you left at the same time he did. He's been wanting to test new quick attacks with you all week, but you get here too late. I have half a mind to get you an escort, then maybe you can make it to practice on time. Oh, and I hear you've been dosing off during classes. You know your education is important. So what is it then? Are you staying up too late? Are you sick?"

Hinata struggled to come up with an answer. He sounded so concerned. Its not like he could just tell him what was really wrong. Hinata barely knew the answer to that himself. Hinata hated lying, but he had to. "I um, j-just stay up too late, that's all."

Suga raised an eyebrow at his obvious bit of lying but didn't question him any longer. Instead he sighed and shooed Hinata to go warm up. He would have to keep a closer eye on him from now on.

……......……..

To say Hinata was exhausted was an understatement. They had played two practice matches and worked on receives. Coupled with the fact that he hadn't eaten all day ensured that he was worn out. After cleaning the gym he trudged back to the club room, trying to get there once everyone had left. Of course Kageyama would ruin his plans.

"Oi, idiot, I was waiting for you. What took you so long?"

"Why were you waiting for me." Hinata asked suspiciously. He didn't miss the way Kageyama blushed at the question.

"I, uh, don't want to walk alone. It doesn't matter. Hurry up and change, or I'll leave you" It was an empty threat and Hinata knew it.

"Whatever Bakayama, leave so I can change." Hinata said with mock annoyance. He didn't know what he'd do if Kageyama wouldn't leave. But much to his surprise he took the bait, and with a exaggerated eyeroll Kageyama went to wait outside. Hinata changed as quickly as he could. No matter how empty the threat was he didn't want Kageyama to leave him. "I'm done." He announced when a came out of the club room.

"Finally," Kageyama started dramatically, "did you bring your bike?"

"No, not today. Why?" Hinata left out the part that the cuts on his thighs hurt too much to ride his bike anymore. "I, uh, well..." Kageyama started before muttering something Hinata couldn't hear.

"What was that last part?" Hinata asked mockingly. He enjoyed seeing the taller boy flustered. "I said, since your house is far away do you want to stay over my house." He said more confidently this time.

Hinata gasped in fake surprise. "Are you asking for a sleepover Yama?"

Kageyama grumbled some more. "Ill take that as a yes. Of course I'll come over loser. Let me text my mom and let her know." Hinata answered, basking in Kageyama's embarrassment. Hinata hadn't been over Kageyama's house in weeks. He wasn't entirely sure why.

"Great, I'll get some snacks and we can have a movie marathon." Hinata suddenly remembered why he hadn't been over in a while. Contrary to popular belief Kageyama ate a lot of junk food. His mom wasn't around much so he didn't get many homecooked meals. He exercised enough that he didn't gain any weight from it (which irritated Hinata to no end). But the thought of eating all the sugary, fatty snacks Hinata was sure Kageyama had made his stomach lurch. But he couldn't let him see that anything was wrong, so he sucked it up and said "Cool, sounds fun." It was one night. how bad could it be.

……...…………

It turned out a lot worse than he thought. He knew he would have to eat at least some of the snacks Kageyama had set out in front of him, he didn't expect it to send him into a full on panic attack. But there he was crying into Kageyama's shirt. He was being completely overdramatic, but the thought of ruining his progress was more then he could handle. 

"Hey dumbass, stop crying Is it the movie? I'll turn it off...?"Even with the insults, he had never heard Kageyama use such a caring tone. Hinata wanted to tell him to stop, he didn't deserve it. But he simply nodded into Kageyama's shirt. His breathing was starting to even out and he made the horrible realization that he was getting his tears all over Kageyama's shirt. He was pathetic. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm an idiot. I'm-"

"Hinata, stop apologizing. It's fine. Besides, only I can call you an idiot." Kageyama joked, smiling when he saw that he got Hinata to laugh. "Come on lets get you to bed."

Kageyama reached down and picked Hinata up. Even though Kageyama carried him a lot, it still made Hinata's heart flutter. He had a huge crush on his best friend, but Hinata knew it could never happen. Kageyama started shifting Hinata around in his arms. Hinata thought he was messing with him, but his eyebrows were scrunched together and he looked rather concerned. "You're light."

Hinata panicked slightly. He knew it was rather farfetched that Kageyama would connect the dots, but he couldn't help but panic anyways. That was until Kageyama said something that sent him into full panic mode. "You've lost weight."

Hinata wasn't sure why he felt the need to hide it, but this was supposed to be _his_ thing. If people knew they would make him stop, and he didn't want that. He pushed himself out of Kageyama's arms and landed ungracefully on the floor. "No I haven't. I'm _fine_."

Kageyama looked at him, really looked at him. He had bags under his eyes and his hair had lost it's shine. Overall he looked...worse. He wanted to say something, but something about the determined look on Hinata's face told him he wouldn't be getting a honest answer. "Whatever idiot, let's just go to sleep."

Hinata simply nodded, following Kageyama to his room and changing into his pajamas. Usually they would be arguing or watching volleyball videos together, but Hinata simply rolled over on his side of the bed and pretended to sleep. He needed to be more careful. If the team found out he would be benched for sure. When they woke up he fed Kageyama some mediocre excuses to get out of eating breakfast and went home early. He just needed to give him some space, then Kageyama would forget all about it.

…

Hinata was trying his very best to avoid Kageyama. At morning practice he begged to practice his spikes with Suga. He didn't miss the look of hurt Kageyama gave him. That was until Tsukki whispered something in his ear and he went back to glaring. Classes were harder, since he and Kageyama were in virtually all the same classes. Lucky for him his bags he had forgotten in his haste to leave Kageyama's house, were in his seat when he got to class _(He would thank Kageyama when all of this blew over)_. He actually tried to pay attention in class _(only to avoid the tall setter who was obviously trying to get his attention)_. Things were going decently until he got to math. He was so focused on ignoring Kageyama that he had forgotten all about the test he had today. He was so screwed. If his math grade got any lower he would be benched for sure. He tried his best to answer what he knew, but he would be shocked if he got anything higher than a D.

Afternoon practice was even harder. Kageyama kept insisting they practice together, and Hinata had almost gotten out of it until Daichi agreed that it would be beneficial. They had been practicing in silence for all of 10 minutes before Kageyama started talking. "Why did you leave so soon? Did I do something wrong?"

Hinata almost broke when he saw the vulnerable look on the setters face. Almost. "No you idiot, you didn't do anything. I just forgot I had to do something at home."

Kageyama visibly relaxed. "Then why have you been avoiding me?"

"I haven't been avoiding you, I just, I have been, um..." Hinata's mind blanked. What was a believable reason for avoiding him? He couldn't exactly tell him the truth. But before he had to answer Takeda called him over.

"Hinata I've just gotten word that you got a D on another math test. I hate to say it but if your grades get any lower I'll have to put you on academic probation. I've managed to get you a retake on that test next week. You need to get at least a B."

Fuck, had his grades gotten that bad? Was he that stupid that he couldn't pass any of his classes? He felt a wave of self hatred crash over him. He needed to do better. "Okay Takeda-sensei, I'll try my best." And he really meant it this time.

…

He was trying really hard to get his grades up. Hinata had even begged Tsukishima to help him study, and with his help he sort of understood what was going on. Even Yamaguchi and Kageyama had started coming to their impromptu study sessions at Tsukki's house. Everything was going great. Until it wasn't. It started out like every other study session, they sat on Tsukki's floor and looked over their homework. But Yamaguchi had begged for snacks and Tsukishima caved and brought them some cookies. Hinata simply played it off as him not being hungry, but Tsukishima saw right through him. "Why don't you ever eat anymore Hinata?"

All eyes turned to Hinata as he scrambled for an answer. "I just don't want any cookies, can't we just drop it?" he snapped. Slowly everyone returned to their work. At that point it was obvious something was wrong with Hinata.

Hinata knew the study sessions were helping, but after the cookie incident they kept trying to force him to eat whatever snack they had at the moment. So he opted to study at home. Which was a horrible choice. He couldn't rationalize things as well as Tsukki, or interpret things like Yamaguchi. He had resorted to studying until he understood what he was reading, which sometimes took hours. He would sit and stare at a passage until it made sense, it made him feel so stupid. He threw his book across the room, and cut his thighs whenever he got a problem wrong. It hurt to walk at that point, let alone jump. But he kept going. He passed his math test, so he had to be doing something right. Maybe he passed out every now and then from overexertion, he was fine, its what he deserved. He got his grades up and he kept playing volleyball. _That's all that mattered._

…

"Hinata, can we talk after practice?"

Hinata nodded quickly at the grey-haired setter and went back to working on receives. Had he done something wrong? He thought he had been acting fairly normal. Hinata was just glad they were done practicing spikes. He loved spiking, but his horrible diet had caused him to lose a significant amount of weight and muscle. His once muscular thighs were pretty thin. He loved it, but it wasn't optimal for the amount of jumping he had to do. After a few more receives Daichi had announced practice was over, Hinata helped put up the net then jogged over the corner of the gym to meet Suga.

"Hey Suga, you wanted to talk?" He asked with as much enthusiasm as he could muster.

Suga looked down at him worryingly. It made him nervous. "Hinata, me and the coaches have been talking. You've lost weight, like a lot of weight. We think you should go through a physical evaluation to ensure you're healthy enough to play. We don't want you getting hurt."

Hinata shuddered at the thought. He knew he wasn't healthy. He didn't want to be. "Suga you worry too much, I'm fine. Perfectly fine." He added a hopefully convincing smile.

"Hinata it's not a choice, the coaches feel-"

"I'm fine." Hinata snapped, causing everyone to look over at the sudden outburst. Before Suga could respond Hinata left the gym, and ran to the club room. He quickly changed out of his volleyball uniform and planned to go straight home. He couldn't go through a physical evaluation, they would bench him immediately. They might even send him to a hospital. He didn't need that. He was doing fine. He hopped on his bike, ignoring the pain in his thighs, and hoped that by next week all of this will have blown over.

...

"Hinata come sit with us!"

Hinata turned around and saw Nishinoya yelling and waving his arms at him. He was sitting at a table with Tanaka, Ennoshita, and Asahi, all of which were eating lunch. Hinata would love to go sit with them, but it would look suspicious if he didn't eat anything. Besides Hinata had avoided getting his physical evaluation so far with carefully timed excuses, Suga would drag him into the nurses office if he learned Hinata wasn't eating. "Uh, sorry. I actually have to-"

But he didn't get to finish his excuse because Noya pulled him to their table. "C'mon we haven't talked in ages, it'll be fun."

Hinata plopped down on the opposite side of Asahi. It was sort of awkward watching them all eat, so Hinata pulled out his math homework so he had something to do. They joked around and laughed (Tanaka made milk come out of his nose), he had to admit it was fun. While the 3 second years had gotten into a heated argument about who the best volleyball player was, Asahi leaned over to Hinata.

"Why are you not eating lunch?" He asked gently.

Hinata panicked. He was almost certain Asahi would tell Suga or Daichi if he said anything suspicious. "I'm not hungry, I had a big breakfast." _(That was a lie, he didn't eat breakfast anymore)_

Asahi looked skeptical, but nodded nonetheless. "Okay, Hinata. Breakfast was a while ago though, do you want this?" Asahi held out a small container filled with rice and a few vegetables. He wanted to say no, he had only gotten a 70 on his English test he didn't deserve food. But all eyes were on him, he had a feeling Suga had told them about his weight loss. "I-um, sure. Ill take it."

Asahi look relieved and shoved the container into Hinata's hand. All he had to do was eat the baby-sized portion of food in front of him and then everyone would get off his back. He didn't have to keep it down. So he took a bite, then chewed, then swallowed. Over and over again. Once he was done he shoved the container back to Asahi. "Thanks, turns out I was hungry." He jokes. His stomach is turning, and he feels so full. Too full.

"I'm going to go turn this assignment in real quick," Hinata said while throwing things in his bag. "It was nice eating with you guys."

He ran off with a chorus of "Bye Hinata" behind him. He found his way into the least used bathroom, made sure it was empty, and shoved his fingers down his throat. Rice always came up in sticky clumps, he tried to avoid it if possible. But once it was all out he felt light again. It was disgusting. He had vomit running down his arm and on his face, ( _but he felt light again and that's what he wanted)_.

...

Hinata had to beg Ukai to go to training camp. He pleaded that he was fine until the coach had begrudgingly said yes. He wasn't as excited as he should be, he was going to Tokyo for the second time and he was going to see all his friends. He blamed it lack of food, therefore lack of energy. He had to be careful on this trip. He was nearly certain his eating habits would be closely monitored, and he couldn't just rush to the bathroom every meal or it would look suspicious. But he had a whole bus ride to think of ways to get out of eating. It was all he thought about anyway (Along with a certain setter).

"Hinata, get your ass on the bus."

"Sorry." Hinata muttered as he plopped into a seat next to Kageyama. He curled up into a ball and rested his head against the window. He knew he had to keep up his façade or else people would notice how tired he was. Kageyama had already been giving him weird looks and the trip had just started. He plastered a smile on his face and jumped into a conversation about the local college volleyball teams. Everyone on the bus looked relieved when they saw him talking so animatedly. He only had to keep it up for a week, that wouldn't be too bad. He laughed along with his team for the rest of the ride, who cares if it was fake.

The moment he stepped off the bus he was pulled into a hug. "Hinata! I haven't seen you in forever. How have you been? What have you been up to? Have you practiced any more moves? Do you wanna practice with me? Are you doing alright? You don't look so good. Is everything-"

Akaashi promptly stepped between him and Bokuto, saving him from his questions. "You're overwhelming him Bokuto." Bokuto whined slightly. "Anyway, It's nice to see you Hinata." Akaashi gave him a pat on the head and pulled his, now slightly dejected, captain away to go bother Tsukishima.

Hinata shook his head at Bokuto's antics. Was he that easy to read? Did everyone know something was wrong? He had to fix his attitude before Kenma saw him, he could see something was wrong from miles away.

…

"Shoyo, I've missed you." Kenma said gracing him with a small smile. Kuroo groaned behind him. "Kenma, we're dating and you don't seem that excited when you see me." Kenma rolled his eyes playfully. "That's because I like Shoyo more than you."'

Kuroo whined and pouted but Kenma ignored him. Kenma was about to say something, but then he started looking Hinata over. "Are you alright Shoyo?" Even Kuroo had stopped whining and looked concerned. Hinata wanted to break down and tell Kenma everything, but he plastered on a smile instead. "I'm fine guys, I have to go find my team now, bye." Hinata could tell Kenma and Kuroo didn't believe him, but he scurried off before they could ask any more questions.

He felt so bad. The itch under his skin had returned. He hated lying, it left a bad taste in his mouth. He wanted to carve his skin until he didn't feel it anymore. He wanted to starve until his stomach caved in on itself. But he was already late for warm ups. He settled for pinching himself instead. He hated this.

…

He knew he was bound to get caught sometime, just not like this. They were in the middle of a practice match against Fukurodani. They were each trying out something new, so they were losing by a large margin. It wasn't their first match of the day either, and they had already run a bunch of penalty laps. And Hinata, being the idiot he was, hadn't eaten anything that day or the day before. Near the middle of the second set Kageyama set to him, but his feet didn't leave the ground. The ball arched perfectly in the air then dropped right in front of Hinata. Everyone turned to him in confusion.

"Dumbass, what was that? You didn't even try that time?" Kageyama yelled, but his eyes softened when he looked at the boy. His hands were shaking and his eyes were unfocused. "Hinata are you okay?"

He wanted to answer but he couldn't. He could see Bokuto and Akaashi looking worried from the other side of the net. His brain wasn't working. He heard someone yell for Ukai and Takeda and felt himself being pushed into a sitting position. He wanted to tell them that he was fine, but he blacked out before he could even open his mouth.

...

Hinata was only out for a few minutes. They had moved him onto the bench and laid him down. The moment he woke up Suga pounced on him and gave him a hug. "Hinata, what happened?"

"I'm not sure, I'm probably just tired." It was a complete lie. Sleeping was the only thing he wasn't having problems with. He knew exactly what happened. This wasn't the first time he fainted.

"That's bullshit-" Tsukishima started, but Yamaguchi elbowed him the stomach before he could finish. "What he means is that we know that's not the truth. It's alright if you don't feel comfortable telling us, but we don't want to see you hurt again."

Hinata internally cringed. They knew he was lying. How much else did they know? He knew they all knew bits a pieces of the truth. He was in too deep to give up now. "I'm fine."

The entire team sighed. "Whatever Hinata. Coach told me to give this to you." Kageyama help out an apple to him. "He said you need sugar,"

Hinata looked at the apple wearily. He didn't deserve it. He had made his whole team worry. "I'm not hungry Bakayama." Hinata tried to joke. But it fell flat when he looked at the concerned faces of his teammates. "That's what you said at dinner yesterday and breakfast this morning." Kageyama snapped. Suga looked outraged at that. "You need to eat Hinata."

"I don't want the apple." He said weakly. His voice sounded pathetic even to his own ears. "I just need to get out of these clothes."

"But coach said-"

"Ill be fine. Just let me go change." Hinata said as he got to his feet. His first few steps were a little shaky but he made it the locker room. He looked to make sure nobody had followed him, then began to change. Why did he always mess things up? Why couldn't he stop burdening people?

Right before he could get his pants up Kageyama walked in. "Hinata you know I can't just-"

They both froze and stared at each other. The bandages on his thighs were exposed. "Dumbass what the hell happened to your legs? Are you hurt?"

Hinata meant to say he was fine. He meant to force a smile on his face and make up a believable excuse. But Kageyama had already kneeled and started unraveling the bandages. Hinata would be lying if he said their closeness wasn't affecting him. "Idiot if you were injured you should have told me. These bandages look old, when's the last time you changed them dumbass. I can't allow you to-"

Kageyama's hands stilled and the bandages fell to the ground, His thighs had more scars than actual skin. The lines overlapped and crisscrossed. Hinata hadn't even realized how much damage he had done until then. "I'm sorry." Hinata sobbed. Why did Kageyama have to be the one to find out. Hinata looked down and realized that Kageyama had tears running down his face. "God, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with this."

"No." Kageyama said slowly, standing up. "You shouldn't have to deal with this."

"Yama I'm okay, there's no need to-"

"This isn't okay Hinata. You could really hurt yourself idiot. I love you and I can't watch you do this to yourself. If you ever need to talk to someone you can-"

"You what?" Hinata interrupted.

"Huh?"

"You said you loved me." Hinata watched realization spread through the taller boy.

"I-uh, its not, that's not...stop trying to change the subject. You don't eat and you... do this to your legs. I think you need serious help Hinata."

Hinata hung his head. "I'm fine." He whispered weakly. He didn't deserve Kageyama's help. He didn't deserve anything.

"No your not," Kageyama said pulling Hinata into a tight hug. "and you haven't been for a while."

Hinata laid his head on Kageyama's shoulder. "Will you help me?" Hinata expected him to say no. Why would he help him? He didn't deserve it. "Yes you idiot. I'll do whatever you need me too." Kageyama hugged him tighter. Hinata felt better than he had in weeks.

"So... you love me." Hinata said jokingly.

"Shut up dumbass."


	2. Tsukishima/Akaashi/Bokuto/Kuroo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Eating disorders, vomiting

Bokuto, Akaashi, and Kuroo balanced each other out perfectly. They knew exactly how to cheer each other up and make each other happy. They had been friends for years before they eased into dating each other. They all went to the same college and lived in the same shitty apartment. They were perfect. Which was why Tsukishima was unsure why they had asked him to be apart of their relationship. The idea that anyone would want him was shocking, let alone three people. 

_"We felt something is missing, and that something is you_."

It was selfish of him, but he said yes. He knew how perfect their bond was. How well they fit together. He knew he would ruin it. He always did. He wasn't good enough for them. So he let himself be pushed to the side, because no matter how much he loved them he would only mess things up.

Kei had tried to decline when they asked him to move in with them. If he did that he was sure he would get in their way ( _A part of him wanted it so badly. He craved the sweet domestic bliss he knew he didn't deserve_ ). But even with his adamant efforts, they had begged and Tsukishima was no match for three sets of puppy dog eyes. So that's how he got here, in a small apartment with 3 men whom he loved. To anyone else it would have been a dream. But he was painfully aware he didn't deserve their love. Akaashi was sweet and sarcastic, his sarcasm didn't cause fights like Tsukishima's did. Bokuto was loud and loving, he wasn't stubborn and closed off like Tsukishima was. Kuroo honest and smart, he didn't lie about things the way Tsukishima did. They were better off without him, but he couldn't give them up.

It couldn't be traced to a certain traumatic event or some big epiphany, but his low self-esteem had bred the perfect conditions for the thoughts to slip through the cracks.

_What if he was better, would he deserve their love then?_

Kei knew it was true. If he was perfect like them, maybe he could finally let himself be part of the relationship without worrying about damaging it. If a little sacrifice was all it took, he would do it in a heartbeat.

Tsukishima tried to think of his most problematic areas. He knew he couldn't shrink, he was the tallest out of all of them. He towered over his boyfriends. But he could lose weight. Unlike his boyfriends he had stopped playing volleyball in college. His stomach was softer than it had been in high school. He hated it. Which must mean his boyfriends hated it too.

It was easy. Much easier than he wanted it to be. He avoided Bokuto's homecooked meals under the guise of studying. He skipped lunch between his seminars and conveniently "forgot" his wallet when it was his turn to buy snacks.

Of course it didn't go well all the time. Every now and then Kuroo cornered him with strawberry shortcake or Akaashi insisted he sit down for breakfast. And of course he couldn't deny them, he had already caused them enough problems. But that didn't stop the guilt from working it's way into his head everytime he ate something he wasn't supposed to. It screamed that they were gonna leave him and that he wasn't good enough. And if he shoved his fingers down his throat to make the guilt go away sometimes, nobody needed to know.

It was obvious that they would catch on soon his boyfriends weren't stupid _(no matter how much they acted like it sometimes)_. His first mistake was a simple nap with Bokuto. It was no secret that Bokuto liked to cuddle. His victim for today was Tsukishima. When Bokuto wrapped himself around the taller boy and demanded they take a nap together Tsukishima bad no choice but to comply. Tsukishima felt like he was getting in the way again, but didn't want to make Bokuto sad. So he let Bokuto use him as a giant teddy bear. Bokuto snuggled into his stomach and frowned. "Did you get smaller Tsukki?" He asked, poking his ribs. Tsukishima panicked. Losing weight wasn't a big deal, but he knew the way he was doing it wasnt healthy. They would make him stop, he needed to be good enough. So against his better judgment he lied. "No Bokuto, I've always been this size." Bokuto turned and looked at him fully. His tired gaze had been replaced with one of worry. "No you haven't." Tsukishima thought about lying again, but Bokuto could always see right through him. Instead he opted to say nothing at all. Bokuto shot him a suspicious look but didn't press the matter further.

It may not seem it, but Bokuto was the most observant out of the bunch. Tsukishima noticed that after his mishap with Bokuto he was being dragged to more meals and forced to eat more. He wouldn't put it past Bokuto to tell Kuroo and Akaashi what had transpired. Kei could only assume the extra food on his plates were Bokuto's doing. He didn't need him getting in the way, so he made sure he always ate something around Bokuto. He was down to a startlingly low amount of calories a day now so his food selection was limited. He tried to avoid meals and just eat a few things every now and then. That was proving harder than he thought. Though Bokuto was the best at picking up small hints didn't mean Akaashi and Kuroo weren't good at it too. They were all well aware something was wrong with their youngest boyfriend, yet they knew asking him was futile. Tsukishima was stubborn and not great at conveying his emotions.

...

His second mistake happened at a seemingly innocent dinner. Akaashi had prepared his favorite dish and everything was going okay. That was until Bokuto decided to point out how little he was eating. "Tsukki you've usually eaten like 3 bowls by now."

All of his boyfriends looked at him suspiciously. He spouted out the first excuse that came to mind. "I'm just not hungry right now." They all shared a look of uncertainty before going back to their meals. It made Kei nervous. Did they know? He tried to eat more, but he couldn't finish more than a couple of bites. He scooped his extras into the trash, then went to wash out his bowl. Nobody said anything. That was until Kuroo broke the silence. "I think you should eat more." In hindsight this wasn't an outrageous request, he could have just brushed it off. He never had much of an appetite anyway. Instead he snapped at them. "Just stay out of it, alright."

He knew his mistake as soon as he said it. Despite his cold exterior he rarely snapped at his boyfriends. He saw Akaashi open his mouth to question him, but before he could Kei took off and locked himself in the bathroom. He had to be more careful. They were gonna take this away from him. Then he would never be good enough. Tsukishima figured the best thing to do was pretend like it didn't happen. He pulled himself together and joined them in the living room. He ignored the concerned looks and stared at the TV. He was perfectly fine.

...

His third mistake was fatal. It broke apart everything he had worked for. And it was entirely his fault. They had invited him on their morning run (which Kei rarely joined, as he was not a morning person). He normally would have declined but they were keeping a close eye on him. He decided one little run couldn't hurt. But Kei had foolishly skipped breakfast, and he had skimped on dinner last night. Which was the sole reason he collapsed 15 minutes into their run. He was only out for a minute, but in that short time he boyfriends had broke into a full panic.

 _"What if he's dead?"_ Bokuto

 _ _"He can't be dead right?"__ Kuroo

 _ _ _"Guys, he's awake."___ Akaashi

_Kei tried to sit up, only to be pushed back down. "You can't move yet Tsukki, you'll be dizzy." Kei rolled his eyes lazily. _ _"I'm fine Bokuto, I was only out for a minute."___

"That was the longest minute of my life. What happened? You just collapsed." Kuroo asked. And for once Kei didn't know what to say. He didn't have an excuse that wouldn't make them worry, yet would justify passing out. He contemplated for a minute, before settling. "I'm just tired. I didn't mean to worry you."

"But Tsukki you look horrible-" Akaashi elbowed Bokuto in the stomach. "What he means is that you look a little sick, are you sure you're okay?"

Kei rolled his eyes and stood up slowly. "I'm fine, really."

His boyfriends looked at each other knowingly. Kuroo was the first to speak up. "Kei we know something is wrong, we just want to make sure you're okay."

Kei felt his resolve crack a little at Kuroo's concerned tone, but he would not let himself break. He had made it so far. He had to keep it together. "I told you guys I'm fine."

It was then Akaashi's turn to speak. "Kei you know we care about you. Please just let us help you."

Tsukishima felt his resolve splinter a little more. They would take this away from him. He didn't deserve their help. "I'm serious its no-" He cleared his throat to keep his voice from breaking. "It's nothing."

It was Bokuto who delivered the final blow. "Please Tsukki, we love you."

He knew that. He knew that they loved him. That was why he couldn't tell them this, and it hurt. It hurt badly. But he stood up, ignoring the dizziness that came over him, and put on a fake smile. He had to keep going.


	3. Tendou/Ushijima

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Eating disorders, self harm

Tendou liked to think of himself as two different people. Sometimes he was Tendou, the fun-loving, outgoing, energetic teenager who played volleyball and had amazing friends. Other times he was Satori, a much sadder teenager, with unhealthy coping mechanisms and self-destructive tendencies. Sometimes the two blended together, that was when he was truly himself, when little bits of both sides showed through. He tried to keep the two separate though. Tendou around his friends. While Satori was confined to the times he was alone, when he finally got to take off his mask. It wasn't like he was acting, sometimes he genuinely felt happy and at ease with his friends. The problem was that those times were becoming fewer and farther between.

No one had batted an eye when he started wearing athletic sleeves to practice. Tendou had gotten a little overzealous with a razorblade the previous night. He had fed them some bullshit excuse about wanting to look "professional". Everyone believed him, they didn't have a reason not to. He was Tendou, and Tendou didn't have any reason to lie to them.

He hated most when Satori showed through the cracks. The slight hunch in his back, unfocused eyes, forced smiles. His friends didn't deserve to see that side of him. Satori was a mess of bloodied razor blades and self-deprecating thoughts. Satori was skipped meals and long nights staring at the mirror, picking out all the flaws. Satori was hopeless. And that was something he just couldn't allow Tendou to be.

...

Classes had become more of a chore than usual. The effort Tendou had to put into staying focused just wasn't worth it. But if he put his head down or zoned out his friends would know something was up. So he payed attention as well as one could when their life was falling apart. Lunch was hardly any better, he had resorted to talking animatedly and waving his hands around to distract his friends from the fact that he wasn't eating. It was working for the most part, but Ushijima's eyes lingered on Tendou's uneaten food for a little too long. He knew how perceptive his friend could be and took a few bites for good measure.

Volleyball practice was becoming quite an obstacle. Of course he still loved to play, but the changing rooms were quite a hassle. Thick bandages wrapped securely around his legs were sure to bring some unwanted attention. Not to mention the sheer lack of the muscle definition he had before he started skipping meals. His friends weren't stupid. They would surely put two and two together. So Tendou had resorted to rummaging around in his locker until the locker room was empty, then quickly throwing on his clothes and joining warm ups. He had been late a few times, but overall his plan worked pretty efficiently. That was until Ushijima had started catching on to what he was doing. He would wait for Tendou to change before he left, which had become increasingly irritant. Tendou was forced to change in the stalls which was suspicious, and he knew Ushijima thought so too.

His blocks had gotten less reliable these days and the team was starting to notice. The constant jumping wore him out much easier than it used to. His legs felt like noodles after practices and his head was usually spinning. He knew he was exercising far too much to eat as little as he did, but the thought of eating was repulsive. He didn't deserve food, so he didn't eat it. But sometimes when he felt his legs almost give out after a block he seriously contemplated it. Tendou knew that his poor habits were effecting him negatively in almost every aspect of his life. But he couldn't stop. He didn't know who he would be without them. And that scared him.

...

It was a dangerous cycle. The cracks in his facade had become gaping holes. His excuses had become less believable. His energy was depleted. His entire personality seemed to be deflated. And worst of all his friends were noticing. Semi had been sending him some concerned looks and Ushijima was keeping a very close eye on him. They were both walking eggshells around him and it was infuriating. He wanted to laugh and joke with them like he normally did.

He didn't understand what he was doing wrong. He tried his very best to fake smiles and laughs, but his friends saw right through him. It was irritating. Why couldn't they just let him destroy himself in peace?


	4. Tsukishima/Yamaguchi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Eating disorders

When somethings broken you fix it. Thats all he was doing, fixing himself. It was the logical thing to do. A few skipped meals here and there, and he would be as good as new. _(though he wasn't completely sure what 'new' was. he couldn't remember a time when he was good at all)._ Tsukishima just wanted to be a little better, and he wasn't going to let a few pounds stop him.

It wasn't hard to spot if you knew what you were looking for. Skipped meals, mediocre excuses, steadily decreasing weight. It was almost like he wanted to be caught. For someone to yell at him and tell him that he was perfectly fine as he was. Secretly he did. Tsukishima wanted someone to tell him that he didn't need to do this. But his closed off nature had failed him again. Nobody really knew him well enough to see when something was amiss. Other than the short green haired boy who happened to always be at his side. He'd be the last to admit it, but he had fallen for Yamaguchi. The boy had been by his side for so long that he honestly didn't know what he would do without him.

"Tsukki are you alright?" Yamaguchi had asked him weeks ago. His eyes were filled with worry. Tsukishima hated that he had been the one to cause such a sad look to cross the smaller boys face. Tsukishima knew that the truth would hurt him, and that was the last thing he wanted. So he lied. "I'm fine Yamaguchi, no need to make a fuss."

……...………...

His brother simply shrugged at his dismissive attitude towards food. His mom rolled her eyes and went back to work. Did they honestly not know, or was he just so insignificant that they didn't truly care? That thought alone was enough to curb his dwindling appetite.

……...…...…….

Tsukishima didn't realize how hard it was to keep up his facade. The lying. The excuses. He had even resorted fo avoiding his teammates outside of practice. All they ever did was go out for snacks, and that was a luxury he could no longer afford. Tsukishima had to admit that it was rather fun. But eating like that just wasn't an option anymore. He didn't exactly know why. It was just one of the many rules that had lodged itself into his brain. He felt lonely when he backed out their invitations _(though he would never admit it, he missed hanging out with his team)._

He envied his teammates for more than just their skills. He envied their carefree attitudes and general wellbeing. They were all so happy and kind. It made him stick out even more. Tsukishima was mean, and cruel, and so fucking sad. He was known for bringing down the teams morale. He mocked and irritated everyone around him. That was just how he was, pushing people away before they got too close to the truth. But as he watched his team joke and laugh without him, he wondered if he pushed too far.

……...……...……

He had met his goal weight weeks ago. The magic numbers that were supposed to make him happy. He almost smiled as he looked at the scale. _Almost_. But when he looked in the mirror he still saw the same pathetic boy he was at the beginning. The boy who was unworthy of love and affection (Yamaguchi's or otherwise). The boy who was too tall, and too fat, and too much. So he had kept going, despite what logic was telling him. He knew this wasn't healthy. This had _killed_ people. But he needed to keep going, he had to.

He was falling much faster than he expected. Everytime he stood he became increasingly dizzy. Which wasn't convenient for a middle blocker. Balls whirled straight through his arms and slammed against the floor behind him. He could faintly hear Kageyama yelling at him, but his mind was so fuzzy he couldn't focus. The ever present hunger had clouded mind. He muttered a small apology and got back into position. The rest of the team gaped at his uncharacteristic apology. But he was to tired to care. He was too tired to do a lot these days.

...

"We need to talk Tsukki, what's going on with you?" Yamaguchi said running to catch up with him. Tsukishima had been trying to avoid him all day. The shorter boy was more observant than he let on, and Tsukishima was too tired to try and hide his habits. He had skipped lunch and was wandering around the hallway. "Nothing is going on Yamaguchi."

Tsukishima almost broke when he saw the sad look on Yamaguchi's face. "Tsukki you never eat with me anymore. Did I do something?"

Tsukishima had never realized how Yamaguchi would feel. He was one of Yamaguchi's only friends and he was avoiding him like the plague. He was making Yamaguchi feel alone. He was so stupid. "No Yamaguchi, you haven't done anything. I'm sorry I've been avoiding you."

The smaller boy visibly relaxed and quickly wrapped his arms around Tsukishima. "Good, then let's get lunch together. I've missed you."

Tsukishima was no match against that smile. He turned his face away to avoid blushing even harder. He wanted to hold Yamaguchi closer and tell him everything. He wanted Yamaguchi to help him. But he knew if he did, that beautiful smile would be wiped off his face. And the last thing he wanted was to burden Yamaguchi, and telling him the truth would do just that. "You go ahead without me, I need to turn in this assignment."

He watched sadly as Yamaguchi let go of him and walked away mumbling goodbyes. It was better like this. Yamaguchi didn't deserve to be tied down with the weight of his problems. So Tsukishima turned around and kept wandering. Morning practice had worked off the banana he had shoved down his throat for breakfast. His stomach grumbled painfully, but he ignored it.

……………...

He wasn't surprised when it happened. He wasn't completely stupid, he knew he was too tall to eat this little for so long. So when he woke up on the gym floor with his team members huddled around him he knew what had happened. He had fainted. His body simply didn't have the energy to keep going. It made him irrationally happy.

"Oh my god Tsukki are you okay?" Hinata asked, waving his arms around wildly.

"I'm fine." Tsukishima replied calmly. He started to stand up, only to be pushed back down by Daichi. "Nobody needs an encore. You probably need sugar so drink this," Daichi shoved a sports drink at him, "Coach went to grab some stuff from the nurse so hang tight."

Tsukishima wanted to complain about the sheer amount of empty calories in the drink he was given, but that probably wouldn't help his case. He begrudgingly took a sip. He hadn't had anything that sweet in a while. He nearly gagged at the taste. Yamaguchi handed him a damp towel to put on his forehead. "I'm fine Yamaguchi, theres no need for all this."

"No your not fine! You never eat and now you pass out in the middle of practice! You've been lying to me haven't you?"

Everyone in the gym looked at Yamaguchi in shock. They had never heard the quite boy use such a tone.

"Maybe I have." Tsukishima started in his usual condescending tone. So what if he hadn't been eating. That's none of their business. He was doing just fine. He had to find those magic numbers. "It's none of your concern what I do and don't eat. Now, are we continuing practice or can I go?" He stood up and crossed his arms. It was his main defense mechanism. He shut everyone out and became hostile. It's all he had.

Yamaguchi stared at him in awe before walking up to him and giving him a hug. The rest of the team watched to two of them in confusion. Sugawara looked like he wanted to help, but didn't know how. Everyone else just looked plain baffled.

"Tsukki, what's wrong." Yamaguchi asked, his voice slightly muffled by Tsukishima's shirt. Tsukishima could hear how sad he sounded and it broke him, it really did. But he had to keep going. He was nothing without this. He wanted to collapse into Yamaguchi's arms and cry and cry until he felt better. He wanted to tell him how fucked up he was so Yamaguchi would help him. He really, really did. But he couldn't. 


	5. Sugawara/Daichi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Eating disorders

Sugawara Koushi had given up on himself a long time ago. He once dreamed that he would be a big volleyball star and play on huge courts with tons of fans. He dreamed of being loved and adored by all as he sent out another amazing set. But perhaps dreams were better left as dreams. Because he was sitting on the bench, watching his fellow third years play their hearts out. They were on the court because they were important to the team. He wasn't. He watched Kageyama make another brilliant set to Hinata, he couldn't help but be amazed. They had so much talent and skill. Far more than he would ever have. In the end they had won the game, so why wasn't he happy?

Suga didn't really care about himself. His own wellbeing was the last thing on his mind. To distract himself from the hollowing emptiness inside him, he took on other people's problems as his own. He liked feeling needed, so he tried his very best to care for other people. He encouraged and complimented everyone around him to ensure that they never felt like he did.

…...………...

They had just finished cleaning up the gym and everyone was going to the club room to change. Suga had stayed back under the guise of tidying up. In reality he just didn't want to change with them. He wasnt nearly as muscular as most of his other teammates. His body was pale and boney, most likely from his less than stellar diet. He felt that food was wasted on himself, so he usually gave his meals to other people. Seeing his teammates bodies just made him feel worse, besides he couldn't let them see him like this. They would worry and they didn't deserve that. He started changing in the bathrooms, where his body was hidden from everyone, just as it should be.

After he had finished changing he caught up with Daichi and Asahi for class. Classes were much more intense as third years. With exams, and tests which would determine the outcome of their entire lives, it was easy to get stressed. Which was why Suga made absolutely sure his fellow third years were doing alright. He made sure they were taking breaks and eating properly in the midst studying. It made him feel like a huge hypocrite, but his feelings didn't matter. He gave his lunch that day to Asahi, who looked super stressed and even more hungry. It didn't matter if his stomach was cramping for being empty for so long. As long as his friends were okay, then he was fine.

Afternoon practice went exactly the same. He practiced sets and receives, then sat on the bench while the others played practice games. He wished he had as much natural talent as the others. He tried his very best and still got left behind. It hurt sometimes. But he deserved it. If he was better then this wouldn't have happened. Coach Ukai dismissed them and Suga began putting up the net.

"Suga, do you wanna get snacks with us?" Daichi asked after they had all finished changing.

"Sure." He responded pleasantly. He always went with them. Though Suga usually gave his meat bun away to one of the first years _(usually Hinata)_ , it was a fun experience. He liked watching his friends talk animatedly about random things. The walk to the nearest convenience store was filled with trivial arguments and laughter. Suga loved it.

Daichi came out if the store holding a steaming bag of meat buns. He placed one in everyone's hands then came to stand by Suga and watch the others to ensure no trouble ensued. They talked about tests and homework and a new video game that had just hit the market. Suga enjoyed these times the best, it reminded him of his old carefree self, who didn't think he wasn't enough. Suga pushed himself off the wall they were leaning on to go give his food to Hinata, but Daichi put out an arm to stop him.

"You should eat it." He said simply. "I bought it for you and I want you to eat it."

Suga rolled his eyes lightly at his captain. It was endearing how much he cared about the team. "Dai, I'm fine. I'm not even hungry."

Daichi crossed his arms a look of suspicion crossed his face. "Oh really, because you told me you didn't have time for breakfast and you gave your lunch to Asahi."

Suga silently cursed Daichi's insight and put plastered on another fake smile. "I just haven't been hungry all day, I ate a lot yesterday."

"No, you didn't. I've known you too long for you to lie to me Suga. What's going on?" Daichi's voice sounded angry. He hated making people angry. If eating the meat bun would make Daichi happy, then he would do it in a heart beat. "Nothings wrong, I'm just a little stressed. I'll eat it. Thank you for getting it for me."

Daichi sent him one last suspicious look that faded away once Suga took the first bite. Suga had forgotten how good meat buns were. The savory taste lingered on his tongue long after he had gone home. It made him want more. His stomach had been so empty for so long that even this little bit of food sent him into a frenzy. He wanted to eat everything in the house and then some. He knew that eating wouldn't fill the void inside him. He had tried countless times only to find himself bloated and miserable. But it was like his brain had forgotten all the instances the moment he got into the kitchen. He shoved anything he could get his hands on in his mouth. Food that wasn't his, food he didn't deserve. When he regained control he was lying in the middle of the floor surrounded by random wrappers and packaging. It was disgusting. He was disgusting.

…...……...

Suga didn't eat for the next two days to make up for his binge. He knew it was irrational, but he felt like he could still feel the food sloshing around in his stomach. He didn't plan to exert much energy so his lack of food should have been fine. But at afternoon practice Ukai wanted them to play a practice match with everyone on the team. The losing team had to run laps, and of course Suga was on that team. They only had to run 10 laps, which used to be nothing for him. But he was running on fumes at this point. After his laps his legs nearly gave out as he made his way to the club room, but Daichi had barely kept him upright.

"Suga are you alright?" Daichi asked with so much concern that Suga felt like he would explode. But telling Daichi would only worry him. So instead he rolled his eyes and said, "Yes Dai, I'm perfectly fine." But unlike he had hoped Daichi didn't take the bait. "Oh really, because your leaning your entire body weight on me right now. You can't even stand Suga. What is going on with you lately?" Suga wanted to tell him. He wanted to so bad. He wanted to tell Daichi that he hadn't been eating right, and about how he felt so bad all the time. But he knew Daichi would give him a shoulder to cry on and make him feel better. That was more than he deserved. So like the fool he was he lied, making countless false promises until Daichi gave him his signature smile and went to change.

…......……...

Suga wanted to be better. He desperately wanted to be the energetic, supportive guy he pretended to be. He just didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve his friends. He didn't deserve his team. He didn't deserve to be happy. All he did was burden others. Daichi and Asahi had constantly been worrying over him. Even Ukai was concerned, asking the setter if he was feeling alright. He had to do better. If he let his mask slip they would see the pathetic thing he had turned into. And he couldn't let that happen.

He tried to remember the times he was truly happy with his friends. The times when he was genuinely excited for practice, and ate the snacks they shared afterwards. It didn't always bother him that he wasn't the main setter anymore. Kageyama had better control of the ball. That was a simple fact. In fact he had been happy that the first year was given a chance after what had happened in his middle school days. But he couldn't stop the thoughts that worked their way into his brain.

It started out as a few bad thoughts. Fixations on the mistakes he made. But now it consumed him all the time. He didn't like living like this. He hated faking his smiles when they used to come so easy to him. Whenever his friends talked to him he had to strain to match their energy levels. It was exhausting. It was like he was losing himself.


	6. Oikawa/Iwaizumi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Overworking, self injury

He slammed the ball down on the other side of the net. It landed with a deafening thud just outside the lines. Oikawa sighed, pushing down the disgust he felt. What if that had been during a game? He would have lost his team a point. He would have let them down yet again. He picked up another ball and tried again.

Practice had ended hours ago, but being captain had it's perks. He had the keys to the gym, so he could come and go as he pleased _(though he's sure if anyone on the team knew about his intense night practices those keys would quickly be revoked)_. His knee was starting to hurt again and his arms ached. He knew he should stop, hell he should have stopped two hours ago. But he couldn't. His serves were supposed to be the teams secret weapon. What good is a weapon that isn't reliable? He collected the stray balls and put them back in the bin. He would keep going until he served all of them perfectly, and if he messed up he would start over again, just like he did every night.

By the time he had finally cleaned and locked up the gym it was well past midnight. Tooru wasn't stupid. He knew that practicing for this long wasn't healthy. But ever since the practice match with Karasuno, Oikawa couldn't stop thinking about the freak duo's attacks. There was so much raw talent, it made Oikawa's blood boil. He had to work and train for years to get where he is now, but Kageyama passed him so easily. Was he not training hard enough? Every night since then his extra practice time increased dramatically. He used to stay an extra half hour or so, but now he stayed at least three. He couldn't just give up everything he had worked for. He thought about how his last serve was barely inside the line. How his set for Kyoutani had been just a little off. How he had barely gotten that receive. He had to do better for his team.

……………

When Tooru arrived at home it was empty as usual. His mom was on some business trip somewhere. He hadn't cared enough to listen. Though the house was empty he was still extra quiet. Though Iwaizumi lived next door, Oikawa still didn't want to wake him up. His best friend was an extremely light sleeper, and if he did wake up he would ask too many questions. It seemed a bit tedious, but he had once slammed a door too hard and was met with an angry Iwa-chan at two in the morning. So Oikawa showered as quietly as he could and plopped down on his bed. His stomach grumbled impatiently. He had skipped lunch and dinner in his haste to get in some extra practice. He would have gotten up to make some ramen, but his body was exhausted. Not to mention that he had to be up for morning practice in 3 hours. He groaned into the pillow and tried to get some sleep.

………………

His alarm rang far to early for his liking. It felt like just minutes had passed since he laid down. Those few hours had done nothing for his aching body. Oikawa needed a long hot bath, about 20 hours of sleep, and several large meals. But the most he had time for was a quick shower and small piece of milk bread before he was out the door.

Morning practice was hell. Everything hurt and he was exhausted. But he had a team to lead, so he pushed it down and put a smile on his face. And Oikawa would have thought he was doing a pretty good job, if not for Iwa-chan sending him suspicious looks. "Come on Iwa-chan, your gonna glare holes in my head."

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and gave him a once over. "What's wrong with you Shittykawa? Are you okay?"

Oikawa felt his smile falter a little. Of course Iwaizumi would see through him. They knew each other too well to hide things like this. Yet Oikawa still thought it was better to lie to his friends. If they knew they would stop him, and if they stopped him he would fail. "Aw, is my Iwa-chan worried about me? I'm fine."

Iwaizumi dropped the ball he was holding and made his way over to his captain. "Drop the act idiot, what's wrong?"

Oikawa wanted to tell Iwa-chan, he didn't want to be exhausted anymore. But he needed this. He needed his late night practices. He needed to be better. So he brushed of Iwaizumi, until he left him alone.

For the rest of the day Iwa-chan watched him like a hawk. He had to work ten times harder to stay awake and avoid Iwaizumi's suspicious gaze. Iwa-chan had watched him all day, so Oikawa had to keep his facade up. Even he knew it wasn't air tight. His jokes fell flat and Yahaba had started to worry about him too. By the time afternoon practice was finished, everyone knew something was wrong with him. He avoided them in the locker room and shuffled around in his locker for a while. Once everyone had left he made his way back into the gym and put the net back up. He had a lot of work to do.

......………..

It was only an hour into his extra practice, when his knee began to ache badly. The brace he had on was doing nothing for his injury. But he kept going because he needed to improve his form. And that was more important. Two hours in he collapsed. He didn't pass out, he wished he would have. But his body had just given out mid jump. So there he was, in a crumpled heap on the ground, completely conscious. He felt so tired and weak and it hurt to move. His knee was in so much pain that he felt tears running down his face. Oikawa didn't know what to do. It was late and he couldn't move. The pain was overbearing and was clouding his senses. Which had to be why he decided to call Iwaizumi for help. Oikawa slowly crawled to the bench and fished his phone out of his jacket. Iwaizumi was the first one on his call list. It rang twice before he picked up.

"Do you know what time it is Trashykawa?"

Oikawa stayed silent, he was now regretting his decision. What would Iwai-chan think of him? He was so weak.

"Oikawa, are you there? Are you okay." His silence had only worried Iwaizumi more.

"Iwaizumi, I'm still at school and I need help." He sounded so weak, and desperate and stupid. Why couldn't he just get over this? He needed to get up and-

"I'm on my way."

Iwaizumi hung up after that and Oikawa slumped against the bench. He was pathetic. He needed to be practicing. Yet he was curled up on the bench like a child. He needed to get better, he had to be better. He was so tired and the pain was making him dizzy. He leaned his head back against the bench and dozed off.

"Oikawa, what the hell happened?" Iwazumi yelled. He had burst through the gym doors, effectively waking him up. "Is it your knee again?"

"Come on Iwa-chan, I don't even get a hi."

"Drop the act Tooru, what happened." Oikawa couldn't even respond before he burst into tears. Iwaizumi quickly wrapped his arms around him, carefully avoiding his knee. "What happened." He asked, a lot softer this time.

Oikawa told him about the practices, and the pain, and the lack of sleep. He told him about his shitty eating habits and the ache that was always present in his knee. "I'm sorry Iwa-chan."

"Don't be sorry you idiot. Just tell me if things get this bad. Contrary to popular belief, I care about you dumbass. Now let's get you home."


	7. Kageyama/Oikawa/Iwaizumi Soulmate AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you write things on your arm your soulmate(s) can see them.
> 
> Tw: Eating disorders, self harm, self mutilation, overworking

Fate had a funny little way of fucking everything up for him. Kageyama had dreamed of finding his soulmate. The thought that somewhere out there somebody would want him no matter what his parents said kept him going. He was amazed at the idea of someone wanting to be with him, it made him feel less hopeless. But his dreams were shattered pretty quickly. His first year of middle school he found out two things. One was that he had two soulmates, which was uncommon, but not unheard of. The second was that they turned out to be none other than Oikawa and Iwaizumi, his senpais who just so happened to hate his guts. When the strange writing first appeared on his wrist he was thrilled.

_Are you coming to the movies after school?_

It was only when someone else responded that things began to go downhill.

_Of course I'm coming Shittykawa, be patient_

Kageyama nearly choked on the milk he was drinking. Shittykawa... but that meant that one of his soulmates was Oikawa. After all it wasn't a very common nickname. And if he was was guessing correctly _(which he hoped he wasn't)_ his other soulmate had to be-

_Okay Iwa-chan, I'll be waiting_

Fuck. Not only were his soulmates his senpais who hated him, it was also well known that Iwaizumi and Oikawa were already in a relationship. Kageyama had seen how perfect those two were for each other. They worked so well together at volleyball practice and they had been friends since they were kids. They didn't need some touch-starved first year coming in and ruining the bond they had. So Kageyama stayed out of it. He pulled his sleeve back down and went back to his homework, desperately trying to forget what he had figured out. The thought that even his soulmates wouldn't want him made him feel cold and alone. Maybe his parents were right, there was no one that would want him.

……….........….

Kageyama had to wear sports sleeves during volleyball practice. Oikawa and Iwaizumi were always communicating through writing and he didn't want them to see it on his arms. He doesn't think he could handle their verbal rejection, so he decided not to tell them at all. But every time he saw them give each other a quick kiss in between classes that cold empty feeling came back. Kageyama knew it wasn't healthy to avoid his soulmates. He had heard tales of people getting sick when they ignored the bond. But he didn't want to mess up what they already had. They were better off without him.

Being around his soulmates but not interacting with them, hurt more than Kageyama would care to admit. That empty feeling seemed to permanently reside in his chest. Any talk about soulmates beat down on his already fragile mental state. He almost broke down in tears when Kindaichi met his soul mate. It made him remember all the things he would never have. Oikawa still yelled at him when his serves were off. But now he took it harder than before. Maybe they didn't want him because he was so terrible at volleyball. Some days he stayed hours after practice to work on serves. A tiny shred of hope kept him going until he nearly passed out from exhaustion. _They'll want me once I'm better._

Kageyama was falling apart and he was hiding it better than he thought. _(Or perhaps no one cared. He wasn't sure.)_ His soulmates still didn't talk to him other than criticism on his sets. His parents didn't care. His grades were horrible. And his body ached all the time, from exhaustion or heartbreak he did not know. He was tired and sad and lonely. Kindaichi and Kunimi had soulmates now, so their friendship had grown scarce. They had told him that once he had found his soulmate he would understand. He almost broke right then and there. He wanted to scream and cry and yell, instead he served the ball over and over again until his arms were numb.

……...……..

It was a horrible habit really. Overworking himself until he ached and forgot about how shitty his life was. He had spent countless hours serving and spiking until his brain stopped . But it could be worse. He could be drinking, or doing drugs. But he wasn't. Working out was healthy. He was healthy. This was fine. It didn't matter if he felt like shit all the time, his arms and legs burning with every step he took. It didn't matter that he couldn't concentrate, his eyes became unfocused in nearly every class. And it definitely didn't matter that whenever he saw Oikawa and Iwaizumi kiss he wanted to ram his head into the nearest wall. He was fine. This was fine. 

It only got bad _(worse)_ when he hurt his finger. It was a minor sprain, would only take about two weeks to heal. But in the meantime the coach had banned him from playing and taken his key to the gym. It was the obvious thing to do, if he kept playing he would injure it further, but Kageyama relied on volleyball more than he thought. He needed the feeling of exhaustion after a practice, because without it his thoughts were too loud. He craved the ache in his arms after 100 serves. So without this pain, he made his own. It started with small scratches on his arms, conveniently right over the words his soulmates wrote. To each other, not to him. _Never to him._ The scratches marred the words a little bit. It made them harder to read. Though once the words faded he regretted it a little. But everytime they came back he pressed his nails down harder.

.........……...

Weeks passed, seasons changed, he didn't. His finger was no longer wrapped up, he started his extra practices again. But yet, he still scratched out the words written on his arms. Nobody saw them, his sleeves kept prying eyes away. Though there was nothing to see anyway. It was a few scratches, it was okay. He was fine.

The empty feeling was there all the time. And it hurt. It hurt that nobody loved him and It hurt that he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't just barge into their relationship. They were happy and he would ruin that. They didn't deserve that. That night he practiced until sweat was dripping down his face and his vision was blurry. He just wanted to be good enough, was that too much to ask. Good enough for his parents. Good enough for his soulmates. Get grades that were good enough. But he wasn't. And that was all his fault. If he was better maybe people would love him back, maybe people would want him. So even though his body was in pain and his vision was blurry, he served the ball again. And again. And again.

_That time he did pass out. He woke up on the gym floor feeling more lonely and confused than he ever had. He didn't have anyone to call. He didn't have anyone to take care of him. He just stood on shaky legs, locked up the gym, and went home._

Kageyama was getting worse, and it showed. Several members of the team had asked if he was okay, including Oikawa and Iwaizumi. It gave him a sick sort of satisfaction. They cared when he was sick like this and if this is what he had to do to get them to care he would do it in a heartbeat. He skipped his mediocre bento at lunch. He exercised more. He allowed himself to rake his nails across any part of his body he could find. Sometimes he scratched so hard, little droplets of blood made their way to the surface. He liked it. He looked horrible. Everything hurt, all the time. But his teammates had started asking if he was alright, they even started bringing him food. He loved being cared about, it made something warm furl in his chest. It was the only good thing he had felt in months.

...…............

His happiness was short-lived though. He had gotten in position to set, and when he threw his arms back his whole body went with him. He collapsed on the gym floor in the middle of practice. Even though he knew that the team was well aware he had problems, they didn't know the extent of it. Kageyama knew if they figured it out they would make him stop, then he would be empty again. When he woke up he was in the nurses office. He had a wet cloth on his head and his shirt and practice sleeves had been taken off. He groaned when he tried to sit up, but a strong hand pushed him back down.

"You need to rest you idiot."

Kageyama looked up quickly to see Oikawa standing over him. Oikawa was caring for him. He had wanted this for so long, but it made his heart hurt. He was burdening him. He had forced Oikawa out of practice because he was hurt. "You can leave, I'm okay."

Oikawa looked him once over. The kid had scratches that were a little to straight to be an accident. He was smaller then Oikawa remembered and looked like he hadn't slept in days. "No, I'll stay. I'll get Iwa-chan to bring us some food."

Kageyama didn't truly understand what he meant until he pulled out a pen. Oikawa reached to write it on arm and Kageyama lunged at him. In his attempt to get the pen out of Oikawa's hands he accidentally marked himself, and of course, the mark appeared on Oikawa's skin as well. Oikawa immediately grabbed Kageyama's scarred arm and compared it to his own. "How did you..." Oikawa broke off as he realized what was happening. Kageyama felt like crying, he was gonna ruin everything. Oikawa took one last look at their arms and walked out of the room. Kageyama knew this would happen, he knew they were bound to find out and reject him sometime. But it hurt more than he would have ever imagined. He didn't want to keep going like this. He would be less of a burden if he was dead. His parents had told him that enough times for him to really consider it. Nobody wanted him, so what was the point. He only noticed he was scratching his arms when he felt little drops of blood pull through the surface. Why was he like this? Why wasn't he better?

The door to the nurses office slammed open revealing an angry looking Oikawa followed by Iwaizumi. Oikawa went to reach for his arm to show Iwaizumi the mark, but his hand froze when he saw the scratches. "Kageyama, what the hell happened?"

Kageyama was confused by the look of concern on Oikawa's face. Why did he care? Kageyama hid his arm behind his back, and bowed his head slightly. "I'm sorry, I didn't want you guys to find out.""

Iwaizumi scoffed. "That's why we're mad at you dumbass. Why didn't you just tell us?"

Kageyama tilted his head in confusion. "Because you guys don't want me." Oikawa and Iwaizumi looked at each other in shock. Iwaizumi shook his head slowly and Oikawa ran his hand through his hair. "You idiot. You didn't even ask. You may not be my best friend, but you're our soulmate. We don't want to exile you, and if you had told us that, we would have included you right away.

Iwaizumi nodded in agreement. "Yeah, if I can put up with Shittykawa, I can definitely put up with you."

Kageyama was ready to burst into tears. They didn't hate him. He wasn't sure if all his problems would just stop, but he felt better already.


	8. Bokuto/Akaashi/Kuroo/Kenma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Unconventional self harm methods

_'It's better this way.'_ Akaashi thought as he dropped yet another volleyball in the bin. It was late, and practice had been over for awhile. He walked to the corner to grab the last ball and squeezed it between his hands, like he would before a serve. He imagined he was in a game, the crowd blaring and his teammates egging him on. He threw the ball in the basket and pushed the bin away. The gym was too big for him to forget that he was alone. Again.

Bokuto had ran off with Kuroo and Kenma immediately after practice, leaving Akaashi to do his sets by himself. It wasnt that he didn't approve of their relationship. It was just the opposite. He had admired Bokuto since he met him and somehow between training camps and practice he had come to like Kuroo and Kenma too. He was jealous. He was so utterly and completely jealous of the bond they shared.

But Akaashi new better than to butt in. He had seen the way they were together. So perfect, and completely in harmony. He knew better than to fuck that up. So he did what he did best. He watched. At first glance it looked like they had pulled Kenma into this unwillingly. But if you looked closer you could see how much he cared about them. Kenma loved in little ways. Making sure they had eaten and were comfortable, complaining while doing so, but you could see the love in his eyes. Akaashi sometimes imagined he was the recipient of Kenma's nagging _(he tried to push those thoughts out of his head)_. As predicted Bokuto and Kuroo loved loudly. Lots of hugs and big kisses. Though it differed slightly, since Kuroo could read peoples feelings and Bokuto couldn't.

Akaashi desperately wanted to be apart of all of it. It hurt to see them so happy without him. It hurt that they didn't need him. But it wasn't their fault that he wasn't good enough. So he never voiced his concerns. When Bokuto talked about their dates or kisses, Akaashi kept his face impassive and chimed in where he was needed. It was his duty as a friend, even if he wanted to be much more.

It was hard. Kuroo and Kenma were always around. Despite the distance between their schools and their busy schedules, they somehow made it to most of Fukurodani's games. Bokuto's games. _They weren't there for him._ Akaashi was still there though. He tried to keep his eyes on the court. If they strayed to the two Nekoma students, he didn't know if he could ever look away. In his efforts to not bother their relationship in anyway Akaashi also tried to distance himself from Bokuto. His crush on the boy was far too obvious, and Kuroo and Kenma were far too perceptive. Bokuto always wanted to hang out with him, and his boyfriends took notice. "Don't steal him away." Kuroo joked one day. Akaashi froze. He was gonna fuck this up for them. He had to stop. That night he took a cold shower, and he stayed in until _those_ feelings went away. _ _By the time he got out he was shivering, and his fingers had turned blue. But if this is what he had to do to insure he didn't mess everything up, he'd do it in a heartbeat.__

So he did. Every time he looked a Bokuto's muscular back in the locker room, or Kuroo's strong thighs during a game, or the way Kenma's hair curled around the base of his neck, he would pinch himself so hard it bruised. His hips and stomach were covered in various shades of purples. Sometimes he slammed his arms into walls. Or put ice to his skin. As long as it hurt. He had started avoiding Bokuto at all costs. Akaashi couldn't seem to shake the crush he had on him. It was obvious he was avoiding the captain other than times that were strictly necessary. Whenever Bokuto got into one of his moods Akaashi was forced to comfort the older boy. It wasn't that he didn't like it, but that he liked it too much. When he put his hands on Bokuto's strong shoulders and told him how great he was, something warm spread in his chest _ _.__

He had to make it stop. He couldn't be in love with his friends. He was going to ruin everything. Akaashi didn't want the others to find out he liked them. His plan of avoiding Bokuto was failing miserably. The older boy always seemed to find him, and Akaashi could never push him away.


	9. Yamaguchi/Tsukishima

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: overworking, sleep deprivation

Tadashi Yamaguchi was boring. He was average. And average student. An average volleyball player. He wanted to be good. When he looked at his family and his friends he realized just how boring his was. His mother's bright personality. His teams talent. And Tsukki's, well... everything. He was mesmerized by his (best?) friend. He was so... perfect. Tsukishima had amazing grades, great blocks and spikes, and managed to look good while doing it. Yamaguchi knew he had more than platonic feelings for his friend, but what was he supposed to do about it? Tsukki was way to good for a nobody like him. He noticed little things, like how people would point and whisper as the pair walked past, or how Tsukki had to shorten his stride so he could catch up. He would always be holding Tsukishima back, he couldn't allow himself to be that selfish.

At volleyball practice he desperately wished his serves would go over the net. He was damn near ready to try and use the force to push the ball to the other side of the court when Suga tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey, don't sweat it, you can always try again later."

Tadashi look around at the rest of the team who were trying and succeeding at their skills. He looked down in what Suga thought was shyness. It was actually anger, why couldn't he get this right? Everyone was so much more talented then he was. He needed to earn his place here.

………..

It started out simple. He didn't have a key to the gym, so he practiced at his neighborhood park. it was embarrassing to be seen failing serves, so he usually practiced at night, far passed his curfew. His serves were improving little by little and after a week or so he could get most to go over the net. And that was a major improvement. The only downside to this was that it was cutting into his sleeping time. But if that's all it took, then he would do it in a heartbeat. Sure he was tired, but when Hinata and Nishinoya ran up to him and marvel over his improvements, his tiredness was soon forgotten.

His classes were seemingly getting harder. The effort it took to stay awake was weighing down on him. He found himself avoiding sleeping, since when he woke up he often only felt more tired. He had gathered quite the collection of energy drinks to chug when he felt too tired to do anything. His serves had been getting better, and he was pleasing his team. It didn't matter if he had to take caffeine pills just so he didn't fail his classes. He was _improving,_ and soon enough he would be good enough for his team and Tsukki. That's all that mattered.


	10. Alpha/Omega Bokuto/Akaashi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: eating disorders, unconventional self-harm methods

Alphas were very selective, and by nature they usually got what they wanted. Which was why Bokuto wasn't a very good choice for any self-respecting alpha. He was too tall and to bulky for any Alpha to truly consider choosing him as their omega. His personality didn't match his secondary gender either. He was loud and obnoxious, two traits alpha's despised. It was rather unfortunate, neither his appearance or personality attracted alpha's, but he hated being alone. Bokuto had been told from a young age that he was too much for any alpha to deal with. It only got worse when he started gaining muscle from volleyball training. His mother had even done so much as to try and take him off the team and put him on a diet. 

_"Bokuto dear, you can't possibly expect to find a mate when you look like that." "If you eat like that you'll get fat dear, no alpha wants that."_

But Bokuto had done more thinking on the topic during his first year of high school. Times had changed, his mothers outdated customary beliefs couldn't be true anymore right? He had seen all types of omegas in happy healthy relationships. Yes, some alphas still went for the small silent types, but things were different now. Someone would love Bokuto for who he was and then they would mate with him and everything would be okay. 

….……...………..

It was after his first volleyball game in high school that his dreams were crushed just a little bit. He had done amazing. He didn't breakdown and go into one of his moods and he had gotten to play even though he was a first year. Things were going great until he got out of the locker rooms and was heading to the bus.

_"Hey, did you hear that spiker guy on the other team was an omega." "No way dude, he was too big, who would want an omega like that?"_

Bokuto didn't have to hear much to know they were talking about him. Komi and Konoha, the only other omegas on his team, were perfect. They had to be talking about him. His mood deflated a little, but he smiled when his senpai's told him how good his spikes were. It didn't reach his eyes.

That night he thought about Komi and Konoha. Komi was funny and encouraging and loud like he was. Konoha was cool and sarcastic and always knew the right things to say. But Komi was small and Konoha was quiet, things Bokuto couldn't relate to no matter how hard he tried. He was six feet tall and had lots of muscle, which would be great, if he was an alpha.

At the end of his first year he was still alone and still too big, but he tried not to think about it too much. He was perfectly fine. His muscles were good for volleyball and his height helped too. And his obnoxious personality, and mood swings were... there too. 

He was fine. He really was, until a dark haired omega cornered him after school.

_"Hi, I'm Naru. I'm an omega and I really would like it if you could consider being my alpha. I saw one of your volleyball games and you were really spectacular."_

She shoved a letter at him that had hearts drawn all over the front of it. Bokuto blanched and quickly stuttered out that he was an omega, and that he was sorry. He didn't know why. The look on the girls face morphed from adoration to confusion.

_"But omegas are supposed to be small and pretty, and you're so... nevermind, sorry for wasting your time."_

Her tone didn't sound malicous, but genuinely confused. Maybe that's why he took it so hard, because she was genuinely wondering why he wasn't good enough.

….………….

At the beginning of his second year, he knew things had to change. He had learned the hard way that he wasn't good enough. He wished he had just listened to his mother as a child, then maybe he wouldn't be so...bad. He couldn't just quit volleyball now though, for some reason they had named him captain, and he had to greet the new recruits.

_"Hello I'm Koutarou Bokuto and I'll be your cap-"_

One of the first years caught his eye. A dark haired alpha with sharp eyes. He cleared his throat and continued.

_"-tain for the next two years. Welcome to the club!"_

The alpha introduced himself as Akaashi. He was a setter, and told them that he hoped to be the main setter one day. Bokuto had only just met the boy and he had already fallen for him. Hard. A few weeks had gone by and he was somehow falling harder. Akaashi was so cool. His sets were amazing, and he somehow had taken on the role of helping Bokuto when he was in one of his moods. When he got home after the third week he was already fantasizing about them being a pair. What if they got together? They could be the strongest mated pair ever. And Alpha setter and an omega-

Bokuto looked at himself in his mirror. He was bigger than Akaashi. Taller and more muscular. Alphas didn't like that and neither would Akaashi. His mothers word from years ago seeped into his brain yet again.

" _Maybe you should lose some weight dear, alpha's like petite omegas."_

The girls words from first year same back to him too.

 _"But omegas are supposed to be small and pretty_ "

No alpha would want him like this, especially not Akaashi. He wanted to be like an omega should be. He wanted to be small and quiet. He wanted to be good. So he took his mothers advice from almost five years ago and went on a diet. Nothing to harsh, more vegetables less junk food. He knew that he couldn't just flip a switch and change his whole personality, but he was too loud. So many people had told him that over the years. Maybe if he wasn't so big and loud people would like him.

.....................…..

Months had past and he hadn't made much progress in either fields. He still yelled when his spike got through, only he lightly cursed himself after. And if anything his better eating had just made him gain more muscle. He didn't understand why this wasn't working.

He figured it out nearly a week later at a practice match against Nekoma. Him and the Captain, Kuroo, had been friends since first year. They always competitive on the court and friendly everywhere else. But what Bokuto didn't know about his friend is that he was an omega too. Kuroo had told him after the practice match, which Fukurodani had won. Kuroo already knew Bokuto was an omega, since he was never very good at keeping his mouth shut. But what shocked Bokuto the most is when Kuroo introduced him to his boyfriend, an alpha named Kenma. He was small (like Akaashi) and Kuroo was loud and tall (like him). And he was nearly back at home when the thought hit him like a truck.

If Kuroo and Kenma could work then why couldn't he and Akaashi? What if it wasn't that he was too big and too loud, what if it was _him?_ The thought was enough to make him stop cold in his tracks. That couldn't be right, Akaashi was always around him and cheering him up. He had to at least like Bokuto a little right? He had to try harder.

...…....................

The next week he had a new plan. He would try his very hardest not to yell when he spiked or at all really and if he did he would pinch himself. Nothing too drastic. When his spike sailed through the blockers at morning practice he didn't yell or hoot or anything. He just simply nodded his head excitedly and pumped his fist in the air. Quietly, like an omega should. And the coach didn't tell him to quiet down or anything. It felt good to do something right.

When him and Akaashi talked about volleyball, or lunch, or anything really, Bokuto made extra sure not to talk too much and not to talk over Akaashi. Akaashi gave him some odd looks at the prolonged silence and Bokuto desperately wanted to chime in, but this was better. All day he only had to pinch himself eight times. He felt like he was gonna explode with all the words he wanted to say, but when Akaashi smiled at him at the end of the day he felt way better.

The week after that he implemented his new diet. The first one didn't work because he was still eating too much, so he would cut out lunch and snacks, and opted to only eat breakfast before morning practice and dinner after evening practice. The first day was hard. His stomach grumbled and moaned alerting the whole team that it was hungry. Morning practice had effectively burned through the measly bowl of cereal he had eaten for breakfast and by lunch time he was starving. But he had 'accidentally' forgotten his lunch and money to buy anything else. Akaashi gave him another odd look and made a move to give Bokuto some of his own food but Bokuto proudly pushed it away.

_"I'm not hungry Akaashi."_

Akaashi merely raised an eyebrow at him and slowly put the food back and resumed talking about how hard the math test had been. And Bokuto didn't talk over him, or eat, or anything and he felt so proud.

The second day was even harder. His body was still angry at him from the lack of food the day before. He woke up hungry and felt like he could eat the whole kitchen, but he forced himself to eat one bowl of cereal instead. The sugary meal did nothing to curb his appetite, but he was doing so well and he wasn't gonna ruin it.

He did well for about a month. He was definitely losing weight (and muscle, and hair) and he felt so proud. Akaashi didn't seem to think so though, he kept pushing food at Bokuto and trying to get him to talk more and he kept making Bokuto break his rules.

_"You have to eat Bokuto-san, here, you can have mine"_

He was a little offended Akaashi didn't mention his progress, and he was really hungry, and tired. And he ruined it. He woke up on the twenty-sixth day and instead of one bowl he ate the whole box of cereal. The whole thing, every last piece. Why did he do that? He was doing so well, did he really have that little self-control? Bokuto was angry, and tired, and somehow still hungry. So he punched the table. Over and over again. The old wood didn't budge, but his hands did, and he had bruised his knuckles. And then he became more angry, because omegas weren't supposed to do this, they were supposed to be calm and caring. Why couldn't he just be good?

...........................

Bokuto decided if he couldn't control himself at breakfast then he wouldn't eat it at all. He woke up on the first day on his new diet with renewed hope, he could do it. He was always hungry and his stomach hurt and he couldn't focus, he was smaller than he was before, and his muscles were going away. This was great, he was gonna be small and perfect in no time.

He only lasted twelve days this time before he gave into his urges and ate whatever he could get his hands on. He was so disappointed in himself that he slammed his face into the kitchen counter. It hurt, badly, but not more then the ache in his overfilled stomach. 

...........................

That following day they had another practice match with Nekoma. He sat on the bus next to Akaashi in silence. He had decided to wait until the alpha decided to start a conversation to talk. Bokuto had caught Akaashi giving him glances the whole ride there. That had to mean something right?

He barely had time to get off the bus before Kuroo pulled him into a hug. Bokuto was estatic, but the other captain was frowning as he pulled away.

_"Bokuto you look-"_

Small. Perfect. Thin.

_"-sick, are you okay?"_

Bokuto visibly deflated and assured Kuroo he was alright. After he walked away Akaashi started talking to Kuroo. Bokuto didn't think they were friends. Kenma even joined in with them. They kept looking back up at him occasionally. Were they talking about him? About how big he was? Or loud? Or-

Bokuto didn't eat lunch, but he probably should have. He was so tired and pale that coach had half a mind to sit him out the game. But he told him he was fine and got put in rotation. He couldn't help but notice the way his team was looking at him, like he was frail (weak). Every time he jumped for a spike they looked ready to catch him if he fell. It wasn't only his team either, Nekoma seemed to be staring at him too. Maybe it was because he was tired but he didn't yell once the whole match or the bus ride. When they got back to the school, he was exhausted, but before he could start his trek back home Komi and Konoha came up to him. They looked concerned.

_"Bokuto, are you alright? "_

_"Are you in pre-heat_ _or something?"_

Bokuto laughed lightly. He couldn't be in pre-heat. Because to be in heat at all, he'd have to have a pair. And to have a pair, he'd have to stop being so fucking useless.

...........................

Bokuto wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. He wanted to be accepted as he was, like Kuroo with Kenma. But Kuroo wasn't obnoxious and bad like he was. Kuroo was good. He was smart and didn't fail his classes like Bokuto did. He was good captain and didn't have mood swings like Bokuto did. Good omegas didn't do what Bokuto did, ever. Maybe he was right, maybe it was him. Not his size, not is height, but him. He was bad when he was loud and he was bad when he was quiet. Maybe he couldn't be fixed.

................................

Bokuto tried extra hard after that. Only eating a small snack after practices. His binge days were becoming few and far between. He was hungry, he knew that, he had to be. But he couldn't feel it. That should have been a sign that he had taken this too far, that he should stop. But Kuroo still looked at him with sad eyes and his team still looked worried and Akasshi still kept trying to feed him. He had to do better.

His legs hurt so badly from jumping and spiking and using muscles that weren't there anymore. But, to be fair, _everything_ hurt. It seemed he had a headache that just wouldn't go away. And during a practice game he missed a spike. He missed. He fucking _missed._ He didn't hit it out of bounds or get it blocked, which would have sucked too, but he didn't hit it at all. His arm swung too late and the ball simply fell to the floor in front of him. The whole team looked disappointed, and so did Akaashi. Bokuto couldn't remember a time when this had happened, he felt so weak. But, by some miracle, he was able to fend off his mood until after he got home. He was so dissapointed, and angry (and hungry). He slammed his face against the wall until there was a bruise, that was a fitting punishment for letting the team down. He had to try harder.

………………............

The bus ride to the practice camp was quiet, which was odd. Usually the team was loud and yelling and having fun. But it was silent other than the soft hum of the vans engine. Bokuto had half a mind to start up a conversation, but he banished the idea as soon as he had it. It was better when he was quiet. 

He must of looked bad, because several people came up to him to ask if he was alright. Including the libero from Nekoma. His name was Yaku, and he was an omega. A perfect small, pretty omega.

_"Hey you don't look so good, are you okay?"_

And when he asked, Bokuto snapped at him that he was fine. Bokuto regretted it as soon as he said it, it wasn't Yaku's fault he was disgusting. It wasn't Yaku's fault he was so big and obnoxious. It wasn't Yaku's fault he was bad. Bokuto bowed and apologized profusely. And as Yaku walked away Bokuto couldn't help but stare at him. He was perfect, he was everything Bokuto wanted to be. Bokuto was tall, and pale (and hungry) and he was trying so hard. Yet Yaku was perfect without trying at all. That hurt.

................................

Bokuto wanted to reach inside and pull out all his organs, and guts and see what was truly wrong with him. He had missed twelve spikes in the four games they had played that day. _Twelve_. He didn't understand why everything he did was so wrong. He was trying desperately to fix his size and personality, why was he still so bad? Other omegas, no matter their size or personality, were good. Komi, Kuroo, Konoha, Yaku, His mom, they were all very different, but still good. And he...wasn't. Akaashi would never love him, no one would, not like this. Bokuto was bad, and he was failing his classes, and his team, and his parents. He curled up in secluded corner of the school and cried. He cried until he couldn't breathe and his eyes were red and puffy. Then he slammed his head back against the wall. Over and over. It's what he deserved.

The next day, he had showered and was ready for the next set of games when Akaashi pulled him aside.

_"You're not playing Bokuto."_

Bokuto blinked down at him. Of couse he was playing. He needed to practice and he-

" _You didn't eat breakfast or dinner. You are pale and sickly, and I am worried about you. You never talk anymore and it's concerning. I don't know what's happening to you, but we are going to fix it. Because you are my best friend and I'm not going to lose you to whatever this is. I've already told coach about this, so follow me or so help me god, I will drag you."_

Bokuto had never heard him use such a stern voice. 

_"But Akaashi I-"_

_"No, Bokuto."_

With that he dragged Bokuto to some secluded hallway, far away from the game he was supposed to be playing in. When they stopped, Akaashi looked up at him expectantly. Bokuto wanted to keep what he was doing secret. If he gave up now then what would be the point of it all. He had sacrificed so much to try and be good. But when he looked at Akaashi's sad eyes, he wondered if his rules really mattered anymore.

 _"Please Bokuto, just tell me_ what's _going on so I can help."_

Help? Why would Akaashi want to help him? He was gross. And too big. And _bad._ And _-_

_"Bokuto please."_

He wanted to say nothing was wrong, he really did. But Akaashi looked like he was on the verge of tears, and the thought of Akaashi crying for him saddened him greatly. Was he really that pathetic that people would cry over him? Bokuto hung his head sadly.

_"I'm sorry, I'll try harder."_

_"Try harder at what Bokuto?"_

_"At being good."_

Akaashi tilted his head and squinted at him.

_"You don't think you're good?"_

Bokuto paled at the thought. " _Of course I'm not good. If I was good then I would be smaller and quieter_." It wasn't until he looked up to see the shock on Akaashi's face, that he realized he had said it outloud. It was the truth, but Bokuto desperatly wanted to take it back. He didn't want Akaashi to worry about him, he didn't deserve to be cared about. Not like this. Not at all.

But then Akaashi was crying, not sobbing, but a few stray tears had leaked out of his eyes. And Bokuto felt horrible, he had caused this. He tried to assure the younger boy he was okay, but he didn't seem to be listening. " _Akaashi it's okay, please don't cry. I didn't mean it."_ It was a lie, but Akaashi didn't need to know that. The setter looked over him some more, his eyes seemed to be lingering on Bokuto's small _(unhealthy)_ frame and Bokuto wrapped his arms around his stomach. He knew it was bad, but he was working on it. He would make it better.

 _"Bokuto I- this isn't...you can't keep-"_ Akaashi broke off and ran a hand through his hair. Then he pulled him into a hug and Bokuto had no choice but to hug him back. And after some amount of time _(time was all weird when he was in Akaashi's arms),_ they broke apart from each other. Bokuto was pleased that Akaashi looked less sad, but he now had a determined look on his face. Bokuto had a feeling he would be getting help whether he wanted it or not.


	11. Hinata Hurt/Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: self-neglect, fainting

Hinata was never known for his stellar self preservation skills. Perhaps because he didn't have any. It was well known among the Karasuno team _(and anyone else who ever met Hinata)_ that the only thing on his mind most of the time was volleyball. It was nice sometimes, it gave him a goal to work towards. But there was also the fact that he would do _anything_ to get better. Like skipping his lunch time to go practice, and forgoing water breaks to practice just a little bit more. So no, Hinata wasn't the best at self preservation, but he never thought it would get this bad.

It started out as a normal day. He had rushed out of the house early _(without breakfast)_ so he could get to practice early. Daichi had caved and given him a key, since he didn't want to wake up that early simply to unlock the door for him. So, with his newfound power, Hinata practiced every second he could. Morning practice with the team started a 6am, so Hinata woke up at 4am and went to the gym for some individual practice time. In his haste and he had forgotten his water bottle and the drinking fountain was _all_ the way down the hall. So for two hours with no breakfast and no water, Hinata worked on receives and spikes against the wall. Every hit came with pure exhaustion, but the feeling of achieving better receives overpowered it tenfold. 

The third years came in around 5:50am, to see Hinata drenched in sweat, slamming a ball against the wall. Hinata nearly jumped when Daichi called out to him. "Hinata, how long have you been here?"

Hinata wasn't a complete idiot. He knew that Daichi would be pissed if he knew he had been here for nearly 2 hours. So he lied. "Uh, I-I got here like thirty minutes ago Daichi."

Daichi looked unconvinced but ushered him into the locker room anyways. 

By the time regular practice had ended Hinata was all but dead, but he had gotten some compliments on his receives, so he deemed it an overall win for the day. His lack of breakfast was catching up with him after 3 and a half hours of practicing, but he didn't want to be late to class, so he quickly changed into his uniform and nearly ran down the hallway.

..............................................

After morning classes Hinata was dead on his feet. He could barely pay attention in class and was stumbling up and down the hallways. But he had finally made it to lunch, which for anyone else would have meant a nice meal, but for Hinata meant more practicing. He had invited Kageyama the first few times but he had started opting out to eat lunch _(and trying to get Hinata to do the same)_. But Hinata, always the overachiever, bounded off to the gym to get some more practice in.

After working on receives for the entirety of his lunch break, and successfully working up a sweat in his uniform, Hinata rushed to his afternoon classes. Somewhere between running up the stairs and sitting down in his desk, he became increasingly dizzy. Hinata wanted to put his head down a take a nap, but he couldn't afford to miss any information, his grades would suffer and that's the last thing he needed. So he payed as much attention as he could. He drifted through his classes, barely registering any of the material he was being taught.

When his last class came around he was exhausted, but he was still thrilled about practice. He had worked hard on his receives all week and was ready to show them off to the team. He had to prove he wasn't just good for spiking. He gathered his books and ran to the club room, ignoring the odd looks he was receiving. When he got there, Kageyama and all of the third years were already there. The rest of the team always strolled in a little later, so this was nothing new. Hinata was nearly shaking with excitement when he changed from his sweaty uniform to his slightly less sweaty volleyball clothes. He was the first one in the gym, so he started his stretching while he waited for everyone else.

"Hey kid, you look tired. You sure you're up to practice today?" Ukai asked as he strolled in with Takeda behind him.

"Yeah, I worked on my receives. I'm totally ready!" Hinata beamed.

Ukai gave him a once over and glanced at Takeda, who seemed to be thinking the same thing. Hinata had bags under his eyes, and was shivering slightly. They had noticed he had been like this all week, but Hinata reassured them he was okay. "Okay kid, if you say so." The rest of the team had filtered into the gym and were looking expectantly at their coach. "Now all of you, run some laps for warm up, then get in your spots."

...............................................

Hinata was doing amazing in practice. They had started a practice match and he was doing better than he had been in previous weeks. He had gotten several receives, got his spikes past Tsukki's blocks, and didn't even hit anyone with his serves. All in all this was a huge win. Well, it was, until Hinata had prepped to spike, but his feet never left the ground at all. Kageyama saw his hesitation and sent the ball to Tanaka, who was blocked since it was obvious the ball was going to him.

Hinata's vision was getting blurry and, he wasn't quite sure why, but his legs had started to give out from under him. His ears started ringing and somebody yelled his name. But he was out cold before he could figure out who it was.

...............................................

When he regained consciousness, he was still in the gym. He had been moved to one of the benches and his feet had been propped up on someone's backpack. "What happened?" He said groggily, trying to sit up only to be pushed back down.

"What happened is you fainted you dumbass." The lights were too bright and he couldn't see. But he knew that was Kageyama.

"Fainted? But why?" He grumbled, trying to sit up again only to be pushed back down. He noticed it was Daichi who was pushing him down.

"That's what we're trying to figure out kid. What have you eaten today?" Ukai asked gently (or as gently as the older man could). Hinata paled at the question. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't eaten anything and this was his fourth practice of the day. Ukai would kill him if he found that out though, so he tried to think up a lie. But before he could Kageyama answered for him. "Well, I know he didn't eat lunch, the idiot was practicing during lunch."

Daichi perked up at that. "Lunch? But he also was practicing pretty hard earlier, before morning practice."

Ukai raised an eyebrow at him. "Kid, how many times have you practiced today?" Hinata curled himself into a ball, as Daichi's hand finally let up. "Uh, four..."

The whole team let out a displeased sigh. "Okay, and how many meals have you eaten?" He curled impossibly tighter. "Well I mean what really constitutes as-"

"Hinata! Just answer the question." Nishinoya yelled waving his arms around frantically, reminding everyone of his presence. "None." Hinata answered quietly.

"You are an idiot, no wonder you passed out." Tsukishima added unhelpfully. Hinata looked to Yamaguchi for help but got nothing but a simple shoulder shrug and a light "Well he's right."

"Kid you can't keep doing this. You're gonna burn out if you keep this up. Do I need to get you on a meal plan?" Hinata shook his head quickly. "Good, fainting in a game won't help no matter how great your skills are dummy. Now you stay put, everyone else five laps!"


	12. Shirabu Angst Request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: overworking, EDNOS

Perfect. Flawless and without error. It was a unattainable goal, and Shirabu knew that. He knew that he could never be completely perfect, something would always just fall short of the mark. But he'd be damned if he didn't try. People had always expected a lot out of him, and he could count on one hand the amount of times he actually appeased them. He just wanted someone to be proud of him. So he tried, and failed, and tried again to be perfect. Perfect grades, perfect body, perfect sets. And he was doing pretty well to, until his rejection letter came in. He had applied for the Shiratorizawa sports scholarship, and he had been rejected. He wasn't used to rejection. But he was hellbent on going to that school. So he sucked it up and took the written exam like everybody else.

Shirabu realized that at Shiratorizawa he wasn't amazing anymore. Tests were harder, and volleyball competition was rougher. He was average at best, maybe not even that. He didn't even get into Shiratorizawa on a sports scholarship like the rest of his team. His skills didn't wow the recruiters. He had to take the test like everybody else. And even with that he barely passed. He was average.

_His sets were good._

_His body was okay._

_His grades were decent._

Shirabu had always been amazing at everything. But, he had never been perfect. He wanted to be known for something, like Ushijima's spikes and Tendou's blocks. He imagined himself in their shoes. Maybe that's how all this started. He craved to be better. Like he was in middle school, when everyone praised his sets and grades. Shirabu first extended his study time. He had bumped it from one hour to two. Then he thought of how happy his parents would be seeing a perfect report card, and how his teachers would be proud of him. He changed it to three hours soon after.

Shirabu wanted to get more practice time in, but coach only granted keys to the gym to the captain and vice captain. And he knew neither Ushijima or Reon would approve of his new damn near obsessive practice regime. So he opted to practice in local parks far past his curfew. He felt bad sneaking out of the house, but once he thought of how happy everyone would be if he was stronger and his sets were better, his turmoil was forgotten. 

He had started skipping meals on accident. With three hours of studying and three hours of extra practice, not to mention eight hours of school and three hours of normal practice his schedule was completely booked. Dinner was usually out of the question since it interrupted his study time and he didn't allow breaks. And breakfast was a hassle since he didn't really like the feeling of playing volleyball on a full stomach. But, even though he was working himself to the bone, it was paying off. His grades were nearing perfection and coach had complemented his sets twice in the last practice. Why change something that was working so well? He'd be fine. So what if he only got 4 hours of sleep and one meal a day? The results he was getting were amazing. And dropping a few pounds never hurt anyone. He was losing fat and gaining muscle. This was exactly what he needed.

Everything was going swimmingly. His mid-term report card had reflected his hard work. His parents were ecstatic and he was... okay. He had missed two questions on his final math test, bringing his grade from an A to an A-. His sets had helped them win a game against Nohebi, though one of his sets had been off and Ushijima could barely spike it. He had lost a few pounds, but there was still a visible layer of fat covering his muscles. He had been good, but not perfect. He still needed a lot of work.


	13. Pls give me more requests

Okay so this isn't a chapter, but I've finally finished all my finals and I really want some more requests. There's like a 99% chance I'll get to it and I have a 3 week winter break and literally nothing to do. I usually take requests through comments. So give me all your sad, angsty Haikyuu requests pls. I will also take BNHA and BSD requests. Thanks:)!!!!


	14. Lev/Yaku Request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I wrote this embarrassingly fast, but tw: insecurities and self-deprecating

Yaku knew their age difference would be hard to work around. But this was way harder then he could have expected. The college he chose was still pretty close to Nekoma, and him and Lev called each other all the time, but it was just weird. Seeing Lev hanging with his friends, sporting his Nekoma uniform was just odd. It made him feel so old. In reality he was only 2 years older than the silver haired boy, but he felt so out of the loop.

Whenever he went to pick up Lev from wherever he had wandered off to he was usually with Shibayama. Yaku knew how Lev was around his friends but he still always tensed when he witnessed how _touchy_ his boyfriend was towards everyone. Lev liked to give hugs and Yaku had nothing against that. Really he didn't. But watching Lev wrap his arms around Shibayama in the same manner he always hugged him, irked him. Just a little bit. Kuroo loved to tease him for his tendency to be "a jealous old man" but it was really starting to get to him. He didn't want their relationship to inconvenience Lev. He was already in college, and had little free time to offer. He didn't mind picking up Lev and just hanging out at his dorm, but he never even considered Lev's social life. Was Yaku holding him back? He didn't want his selfishness to chip away at Lev's high school years. 

He chewed on his lip, a nasty little habit he had picked up, and grabbed his bag. He silently cursed at himself for not paying attention to his lecture, but he was glad to leave. He was going to pick up Lev from school and bring them both back to his dorm. God, he sounded like an old man when he said it like that, which did nothing to quell his brewing insecurities. He needed a cigarette, an even nastier habit, but he knew Lev hated how they smelled. When he (finally) got to his car, he sat unmoving for awhile. How much longer could they really keep this up? Lev had told him along time ago that he didn't want to pursue a career in volleyball, he wanted to be a model. And Yaku agreed he had the face for it. Lev was going to meet someone else, someone who didn't hold him back, and Yaku would be lucky to even be remembered. He sighed and leaned his forehead against the steering wheel. 

When he pulled up to Nekoma, Lev was waiting in his usual spot, his arm slung over Shibayama's shoulders. Yaku grit his teeth slightly at the action, but relaxed his jaw when Lev opened the door.

 _"Hey Yaku!"_ He said, giving him a light kiss on the cheek. _" You'll never guess what Kenma did today!"_ He hated how much control Lev had over his emotions, because that little kiss had eased his worries, at least for a little while. 

When they pulled into a parking spot near his dorm, Lev all but jumped out of the car. _"C'mon, I haven't been here in ages, and I have a shit ton of homework to do."_

It was common knowledge that Lev only got work done when he was here, so whenever he came he had a lot to make up. And Yaku would never admit it, but he loved seeing _his_ boyfriend sit on _his_ bed, wrapped in _his_ covers after he eventually gives up on his homework. Lev usually worked on the bed while Yaku took the desk. Once Lev had spread out his astounding amount of assignments and Yaku pulled out his science essay they finally got to work. Lev asking him frequent questions and Yaku answering as best he could. After only an hour, Lev had tired himself out a wrapped himself in one of Yaku's blankets. 

_"Yaku, come nap with me. You're always so warm."_

Yaku gave in embarrassingly easily (not that he'd ever admit it) and crawled into bed next to him. Lev was always cold, but Yaku never pulled away. And when Lev gave him a little kiss on the forehead and wrapped his (freezing) arms around him, he let his worries drift away. 


	15. Bokuto/Akaashi Request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: unconventional self- harm methods

Bokuto never really had any friends before high school. He was a loud (obnoxious) child and most kids in his classes didn't really like that. Sure, everyone yelled and everyone broke down sometimes, just not nearly as much as he did. Usually when he got into one of his moods, over another failed test or berating from the teacher, he curled up in the corner and put his head on his knees. His teachers learned quickly that there was no use to try and soothe him, so they continued class as usual. The kids still glanced back at him every once and a while, their looks were enough reason for him to bury his head further.

_He once heard his teacher ask his mom why he couldn't just work like everyone else. He wondered that too._

Near his final year in middle school, Bokuto realized he didn't want to be alone for the rest of his life. He wanted friends and teammates that could rely on him. His current team was always walking on eggshells around him, avoiding him so they weren't responsible for the breakdown they were sure would ensue. Bokuto wanted to be just like the players he saw on TV, and he was sure they weren't as loud and sensitive as he was. So he made a plan. He would stop being so obnoxious, and start training. Then he would get into a good school, and have good friends, and stop breaking down so much.

……….

Bokuto's first year at Fukurodani he tried his very best not to break down at all. Over that summer he had started wearing tight hair ties on his wrists. Whenever he felt a mood coming on he snapped it until it went away. Well, it didn't _go away_ , he was only able to avoid it for a few hours. But, with this method nobody at his school had to see him in one of his moods. It was merely an afterthought that whenever he did breakdown it was much, much worse than usual and the red marks the hair ties left behind seemed to be getting larger and larger. But hey, he was making friends with his new volleyball team and the third years had even taken him out for snacks. It was better like this.

………..

Of course Bokuto knew (far, far back in his mind) that this solution wasn't permanent. And if he didn't know then, he figured it out in the middle of a practice match. It was a friendly game, third years vs first years. Everybody knew they were going to lose, it was good practice. But Bokuto was getting frustrated, his spikes were being blocked and the ones he did get through went out of bounds. He could feel his hands start to shake and the thoughts start to brew, and no matter how hard he snapped the hair tie against his wrist they wouldn't go away. The result of suppressing a break down for weeks is that when it came, it was horrible. The fifth time Bokuto had the ball slammed back in his face he stormed off the court and caved in on himself in the club room. 

_Behind him he heard his coach say "What the hell is wrong with him?" Bokuto truly didn't know._

He expected to be left alone, for the game to continue and for him to be forgotten. That's how these things usually went. But the managers came in after him and sat with him and calmed him down. It was odd, because Bokuto had never really had anyone do that before. When the managers coaxed him back into the gym, his teammates looked... worried? Not angry at him for wasting their time. Not upset because they had better things to do. But worried. The third years patted him on his back comfortingly. _"Hey dude, that happens sometimes. Don't beat yourself up about it."_ And his fellow first years, albeit a little confused, did what they could to make him more comfortable. 

And surprisingly they didn't give up on him even when it happened again ( _and again, and again, and again_ ). Sure, his team didn't really know what to do when it happened, but they weren't mad at him which was more than Bokuto could have asked for.

…………

In his second year he had abandoned the hair tie altogether. He didn't need them anymore. He had Akaashi now. The younger boy had learned to read him like a book. He knew just what to say to make him feel better. And for worse times, Akaashi sat with him until it passed and told him stories to distract him from the thoughts that invaded his brain. Akaashi was amazing. He was always there for him.

Since Akaashi had come onto team Bokuto's overall moral was better and he didn't break down as much. Whenever he missed a spike he told himself what Akaashi usually told him, and it helped tremendously. Akaashi had even told him they were best friends. He had never even had one of those before.


	16. Atsumu & MSBY Angst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: eating disorders, self-harm

Miya Osamu was amazing. He was talented, smart, and had a great reputation, he always had. Maybe that's why Atsumu always found himself just a little behind. After all it was hard to catch up to perfection. While he struggled to get B's, Osamu aced his classes effortlessly. His sets always a little off, while Osamu's spikes hit the mark every time. Don't get him wrong, he was proud of his brother, Atsumu just wished he could be proud of himself.

It was obvious who the better of the two was. People gravitated towards Osamu rather than him. He laughed it off, joking that he didn't need friends anyway. He really didn't, he was fine, albeit a little bit lonely. He had scars on his legs that could attest to that. It didn't really matter that even through 3 years of high school he didn't make any real friends or that his team sometimes went on outings without him. He was too loud anyway, he would have ruined their fun. It was okay. Even through that he still loved his brother. It wasn't Osamu's fault that he just couldn't live up to the mark. Osamu had his own life to live (with friends, and a boyfriend, and proud parents) and Atsumu… didn't. But that was fine, all he had to do was work harder and then find a team. Then he would prove that he was worth something. 

……………..

Atsumu had been apart of the Black Jackals for almost twelve whole minutes before everything started crumbling again. It was the same feeling when he went to All Japan. Everyone here was on a different level. They were all so serious and focused. Atsumu remembered back in high school how unappreciated his joking mannerisms were. He decided he was going to be serious too. This was a chance to start over, if he was focused and calm ( _like Osamu)_ people would like him more. He greeted his new team in a formal and respectful manner and hoped nobody saw through him.

Team outings were the hardest. Pretending to be someone you're not ( _especially someone who barred a suspicious resemblance to Osamu_ ) was hard. They asked him questions about his life that he really couldn't answer.

_"So tell us about your friends"_

_"Are you dating someone Atsumu?"_

So he lied. He lied about having friends and a partner. And the most pathetic thing of all was that he could see the skepticism in their eyes, nobody had the heart to disprove his sad story anyway.

He started closing himself off after that. He realized he would hate him whether he told the truth or not. He was used to being alone, this was nothing new. Osamu had moved to start his own onigiri shop, and Atsumu didn't have the heart to disrupt his brothers new life. So he did his warmups and practiced his sets and then went home. He tried to decline team outings after that. If they got to know him they would just be disappointed. A promising rookie with potential who just couldn't live up to the mark. It eerily reminded him of high school. He was already hated, he'd be damned if he couldn't at least be _useful_ to the team. So he worked harder. This wasn't some high school team anymore, this was his _job_. They all had keys to gym, so he could come and go as he pleased. And that's what he did, leaving their shared apartment building at ungodly hours of the night, only to return with just enough time before regular practice started.

Sure, his nightly practices cut into his sleeping time. And maybe he had started consuming way too much caffeine to make up for it. But he had to so he could get better. So he could be _useful_ for once. So maybe, just maybe, people would start to like him and he wouldn't be so alone.

.……………..

By the time Koutaro Bokuto, Kiyoomi Sakusa, and Shoyo Hinata joined the team Atsumu had gotten himself in pretty deep. He had faced them all in high school and been to numerous training camps with them. They knew his loud _(bad)_ personality and the rest of the team knew his new serious _(good)_ personality. Not to mention he was usually running off 3 hours of sleep and a borderline unhealthy amount of energy drinks everyday. He had met their confused looks with some bullshit excuse about settling down and getting serious about volleyball.

_"That's great and all, but that doesn't mean you have to change who you are"_

Atsumu almost laughed at Sakusa's ridiculous statement. Of course he had to change who he was. Though maybe he had a point, everyone hated him when he was in high school and they hated him now _(maybe the problem wasn't with his personality, but was just him.)_

Atsumu knew he was bad. He knew that. But he still wanted to truly be apart of the team. When he saw Hinata and Bokuto's antics or Sakusa's slight smile he wanted to give everything up and be himself around them. But he knew he couldn't afford to. They would reject him _(everyone always did),_ or maybe they would let him in simply out of pity. Atsumu didn't know which was worse. He had liked Hinata and Bokuto since highschool, and he was pretty sure he had been in love with Sakusa since the moment he laid eyes on him. But Atsumu ruined everything he touched, and he couldn't allow himself to ruin them. 

.….........…...

Atsumu had been working on his sets to Sakusa, when Meian called him aside. _"Atsumu we need to talk."_ Which successfully put him on edge until the end of practice. Apparently he had missed too many team outings.

_"Being a part of this team isn't just playing together, the outings are very important to the dynamic as well Atsumu. I'm sure you understand that, so I expect to see you after practice today."_

Meian didn't say it in a hurtful way, but Atsumu still felt bad. He was making things difficult for the whole team. So, he sucked it up and went out to eat with them after practice. It wasn't bad per say, just very uncomfortable. Everyone had already made their friends and figured out who they bonded with and who they didn't. They sat in little clusters at their big table. Chairs scooched closer to some and farther from others. And it seemed once again Atsumu was the farthest of all. Nobody knew him, and nobody wanted to. Hinata tried to include him in some conversations, but it fell flat. Inside jokes Atsumu didn't understand, and memories Atsumu wasn't there to make. He twirled his pasta around over and over again. He wasn't hungry.

......................

He rushed back to their apartment building and quickly changed into some exercise clothes. He figured a few laps would get rid of the empty feeling that had lodged his way into his heart. He had given them some bullshit excuse to get out of dinner that he was sure they didn't believe. But no one cared enough to investigate. He didn't deserve their friendship yet. But he would get better. He would improve his skills and get rid of his horrible personality. He would become a different person, and then people would like him. He could do it. He could change.

….……………..

Atsumu had ran just short of five miles. His chest hurt and his heart was beating way too fast. Surely five miles was enough to burn off the little pasta he had actually consumed. But then he thought back to all the other things he had eaten that day. Things that he had shoved into his mouth for convenience. Unhealthy things. Bad things. He shivered. He couldn't be in top playing condition like this. It was simple logic. He needed to be physically fit. And no amount of running could help if he kept shoving unhealthy food down his throat. So he kept running. Around and around the block until he physically couldn't anymore.


	17. Oikawa/Iwaizumi Royalty AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay folks, we interrupt our regularly scheduled angst for whatever tf this is. Fluff maybe? Idk? Iwaizumi is an insecure guard and Oikawa's a smitten prince

Oikawa Tooru was a stubborn prince, and nobody knew that better that Iwaizumi himself. Guarding the prince was especially a challenge due to his penchant for breaking rules and curfews alike. And if that wasn't enough the prince had taking an odd liking to him. Calling him out for special jobs, most that weren't really jobs at all.

_"Iwa-chan, you should come pour me my evening tea, and while you're here you should pour yourself one too"_

_"Oh guard, can you come cut my sandwich, and oh, look at that I have an extra one. You should sit and eat it with me"_

It was driving Iwaizumi insane. He was supposed to be guarding the prince from harm, not having tea parties. But for reasons that he didn't want to think about, he couldn't say no to Oikawa's puppy dog eyes. He had the prince wrapped around his finger and didn't even know it. Oikawa's affection confused him though, out of everyone, why him. Oikawa was a prince after all, he could have anyone he wanted. Nobles would fall to their feet at the chance to be with him, and yet he was spending his free time with a simple guard. Iwaizumi didn't really have anything special about him. Bland hair, bland face, bland personality. It was odd. Dinners, picnics, tea parties, everything he did he invited Iwaizumi along. And he had no idea why. 

But, he couldn't get caught up in the glamour the prince seemed to cast over him, he had a job to do. And that's what he was doing. Or, at least trying to. He was guarding the doors to the prince's personal library, and trying desperately to ignore the prince inside. 

"Iwa-chan, come read with me. This book is so difficult to read, I need your help."

Iwaizumi simply rolled his eyes at the princes antics. Oikawa didn't wear his crown in his personal quarters so his brown hair flopped ~~adorably~~ around his face. He was lounging across a large armchair looking right at him. "Your highness I must request you call me Iwaizumi, the nicknames are unprofessional. And I am sorry sir, but I have to guard the door, I can't read with you."

Oikawa shuffled around until he was sitting in the chair properly, his elbows resting against his knees and a smug smirk on his face. " _Iwa-chan_ , I'm the prince and I order you to come read with me."

Iwaizumi sighed and weighed his options. He was supposed to be guarding the door, but it would be worse to neglect a direct order. He ~~loved~~ hated when Okiawa abused his power like this. "Yes my prince." Iwaizumi shuffled over to Oikawa's chair and awaited his orders. "You should sit down." Oikawa said, still in the same smug tone. Iwaizumi made to sit on the floor before Oikawa held out a hand to stop him. "No silly, sit with me." Iwaizumi simply gawked at the prince as he made room in his chair. "I don't have all day Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi sat down slowly, trying _(and failing)_ to keep his distance in the small chair. He almost yelped when Oikawa draped himself over him, burying his face in Iwaizumi's neck. "Well go on then, read to me." His breath tickled Iwaizumi's neck and made him shiver slightly. He could feel Oikawa smirking. He picked up the book and turned to the page Oikawa had been reading, trying _( and failing again)_ to read nonchalantly. Even for someone as strongwilled as himself, it was hard to ignore Oikawa's finger tracing his neck and jawline. And everytime he would stumble over a word Oikawa would giggle. That bastard was enjoying this. Iwaizumi tried to ignore the prince as best he could, and for awhile he was doing pretty well. But once Oikawa realized what he was doing, he began pressing light kisses to his neck, making him drop the book completely.

"M-my prince, I really don't think you should be doing this" He stuttered. Oikawa pressed once last kiss to his neck before moving his head to look Iwaizumi right in the eyes. His lips were a pretty red, and Iwaizumi couldn't help but stare at them. Oikawa noticed immediately. "Why? Is it because a certain guard is enjoying themselves a little too much?" Iwaizumi blushed and looked away. "You should be doing this to a noble, not to me. I'm nothing but a guard, and-"

Oikawa's playful mood went away immediately and he grabbed Iwaizumi's face and turned it to him. Not hard, but hard enough to know he wasn't joking anymore. "Iwa-chan I'm doing this because I want to be with you. I mean come on, I've been trying to lure you in for months." 

Iwaizumi's eyebrows shot up. "What? When did you-"

"What did you think all those picnics and dinners meant. Hell, I even asked you to warm my bed for me. How much more obvious does it get." Oikawa had relaxed his hand and was now caressing his thumb across Iwaizumi's jawline. 

"But my prince, I'm not nearly good enough for you. You should be with-"

Once again Iwaizumi was cut off, only this time by Oikawa's lips pressed firmly against his. It only lasted for a second before Oikawa pulled away. "I. want. you. I don't want some noble, I want to be with you." And instead of answering Iwaizumi kissed him back, deeper than the first. It felt good to kiss _his_ prince.


	18. Kita/Aran Request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cw// self-neglect, fainting

Kita had always wanted to be at the top. And for awhile he was. As a kid he had been at the top of his class and everyone was proud of him. His grandma had hung his grades on the fridge and put his trophies on the walls. But things started slipping in middle school. He found himself working much harder for things that used to come easy to him. His grades had slipped a bit, shifting slightly from A's to B's. He had lost his number one spot in class, but he was still in the top ten. He didn't think his grades were too bad, but when his report card came in his grandma didn't congratulate him like usual. She didn't smile and pat his head, she simply threw it away, giving him stern looks that were usually reserved when he had done something bad. It hurt him, though they weren't perfect he had worked hard for his grades. But obviously not hard enough, so he set up a new study plan. Sure, it cut into his sleep time a bit, but that was okay. He studied tirelessly for weeks. He was tired, and easily irritable. But when his next report card came out and it was all A's, she hung it on the fridge again. He counted it as a win.

……………..

High school had done nothing to ease his worries, if anything they had made it worse. More homework and harder classes meant more studying. Not to mention he was the captain of the volleyball team now. He had a lot of work to do. He had to study at least an hour per class, ensure him teammates were doing okay, and get to that coveted number one spot in his classes. With six hours of studying, three hours of practice, and seven hours of normal school there wasn't time for much else. And 'much else' included sleeping, and eating, and socializing. He hadn't even talked to his boyfriend in days, except for quick conversations at practices. Kita could tell Aran was worried about him, but he was fine. His grades were at an all time high and if he aced his next exam he would definitely reach top of his class. Things were going perfectly _(aside from a little sleep deprivation)._

The next day he woke up in a hurry. He was pushing three hours of sleep and had a morning practice to go to. He went to grab his water bottle, getting a peek of his latest report card held on the fridge with thick black magnets. His grandma had continued this silly tradition all the way into his third year. The paper sported all A's, but a few missed questions on a science test had pushed him into second in his class. He glared at it a bit before grabbing a granola bar and rushing out the door. He was captain after all, he had to be there first.

………….....

Morning practice went by smoothly. Atsumu set to everyone on one side of the net, and Suna and Omimi blocked from the other. They practiced receives and played a practice game before time was up. He had watched the team, yelled out some simple corrections, and forced Atsumu to go to the nurse for the weird bruise on his hand. So overall this practice had been successful. He quickly changed into his uniform and rushed to class, not even bothering to engage in the light conversation with his teammates. In class he took organized notes, or as organized as he could with shaking hands. He was tired and class after class of copying note didn't help at all. During lunch, he opted to study in one of the empty classrooms. The more studying he could get done at school, the less he had to do at home. Kita had to physically hold his head above the desk so he didn't fall asleep, and his eyes were getting blurry. But he gotten thirty minuets of study time in, which he counted as a win. He sighed as he got up. His lack of sleep was catching up with him, but he never had time for naps. He gathered his books and went off to his next class, already desperately awaiting the end of it. 

By the time volleyball practice started he was dead on his feet. Everyone was sending him worried looks, but he waved them off. He couldn't afford to miss practice. So he didn't. They ran some simple drills and practiced receives. The coach split them into teams to have them play another practice game. Kita was exhausted. He just had to make it through practice and studying. Then he could go to sleep. 

His body was starting to move slower than he wanted it to. His arms were swinging just a little to late and he fumbled every receive he tried to get. Aran had actively tried to pull him out of the game, but Kita had brushed him off. He was fine. He just had to make it through a few more hours. He could do it.

_"Kita seriously, I really don't think you should be playing right now"_

_"Yeah Kita-san you don't look so good, maybe you should sit this one out."_

Kita didn't have time to respond to his teammates before his head started spinning. He was so tired. He was just gonna close his eyes for a minute. 

....................

He woke up on the floor a minute later. His teammates were freaking out. He pushed himself into a sitting position and stilled when his head started spinning again. 

_"Kita-san are you okay? What was that?"_ Atsumu asked, concern evident in his voice. 

His tongue felt heavy, but he was able to stutter out that he was okay. His team looked skeptical, but before anyone could ask any more questions Aran offered to bring him home. He couldn't even reject the offer before his boyfriend put his arm over his shoulder and helped him up. " _Really Aran, I'm fine we should just go back to practice."_ His boyfriend gave him a stern look. _"Fine people don't pass out Kita, what happened?"_ Kita had a fair idea of what happened, but he didn't want to tell Aran. Kita new he wouldn't be happy with his lack of sleep _(and food)._

 _"I'm just tired."_ He answered. It wasn't a lie, not really. But it wasn't really the truth either. He was _fine_. He would fix his sleeping schedule after his exams were over. He was fine.


	19. Suna/Osamu Request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw// self-harm, eating disorders

Osamu had been doing this for awhile. This wasn't new to him. His self loathing had been following him around on and off since middle school. He had turned to cutting himself around that time too. Places that were easily hidden; shoulders, elbows, thighs. _(though no one cared enough to look anyway)._ The starving himself hadn't come to long after that. He wasn't exactly sure why though. Maybe he wanted to be smaller and more loveable or maybe he thought food was wasted on him. Osamu wasn't really sure. The self destruction came as second nature to him. 

What he did know was that this (whatever this was) was _his_. Nobody knew, and he wanted to keep it that way. Atsumu could have the friends and the spotlight and Osamu could have _this_. It was an easy, band aid fix to the turmoil going on in his head. Sure, he could've talked to someone, but then what? Would they try to fix him only to realize he was never right to begin with? Would they leave? Would they take this away from him? He wasn't doing anything wrong per say. He wasn't hurting anyone _(hurting himself didn't count)._ It was his body, and if he wanted to tear it apart that was his choice.

....………...

Volleyball practice had become more of an obstacle than an activity. Osamu was good at deflection, he had years of practice. But under Atsumu, Kita, and Suna's watchful eyes it was hard to keep up his act. Osamu wished they would leave him alone. He knew what he was doing wasn't good. He knew that. Why couldn't everybody stop shoving it down his throat? Though, in retrospect, if Osamu knew any of his friends were doing this he would be worried out of his mind. But he wasn't like them, they deserved happy, healthy lives with happy healthy partners. Osamu deserved _this_. He deserved the pain and the hunger. He deserved the thinning hair and bruised skin. He always had and he always will.

He went home with Suna that day, after finally getting away from Atsumu's suggestive comments about what they would be doing with their time alone. Osamu could only laugh, a harsh bitter laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. In the few months they had been dating they hadn't done anything remotely scandalous. Osamu had done some _things_ to Suna, but never let Suna do anything to him. He was scared. What if Suna saw his body and didn't like it? Osamu thought of Suna looking at his body with harsh eyes that were usually reserved for rival teams, and shuddered. He knew his body didn't look good right now _(it rarely ever did)_. He was just a little too _soft_ and had a few too many scars. It was okay though, he could fix it. He would tear himself apart and build himself anew if he had to.

Osamu wasn't really sure what Suna saw in him. They had been dating for a few months and Osamu didn't really know why. Of course, he loved Suna with the entirety of his being, but the thought of Suna liking him was farfetched to say the least. Osamu didn't deserve love, but with Suna it was just so tempting. But he wasn't a complete idiot. He knew if Suna found out about his little... _habits_ , he would leave. And Osamu really didn't think he could take another person leaving him. So he hid them as best he could. He made sure Suna was okay and took care of him. He felt like a huge hypocrite whenever he scolded Suna for forgetting to eat or not sleeping enough. But _his_ feelings didn't matter, so he sucked it up. He would be a good team member, and brother, and boyfriend. He wouldn't burden anybody else.

….………...

He wasn't stupid, he knew exactly how much his body could take. It had taken him awhile to figure it out, he had made a few miscalculations with his intake, but still he had never gotten caught. When his arms were too shaky to spike properly he raised it. And when his head was a little _too_ clear, he lowered it again. Up and down like some sick seesaw. He knew just how many calories he needed to scrape through 2 volleyball practices and a full school day. Just enough to not pass out, nothing more, nothing less. 

Osamu hadn't meant to lose weight at first. He relished in the ache that was ever present in his stomach. The weight loss came as an afterthought. But hey, losing a few pounds never hurt anyone. Or perhaps it did, that's why he was doing this in the first place. It hurt a lot. The pain carved hollow places between his ribs and kept him up at night. It was hard to go unnoticed by Atsumu in their shared room, but there were times he was glad they had a bunk bed. Atsumu could sleep soundly on the top bunk while he tore himself apart on the bottom. 

He didn't trust scales to measure his _"progress",_ so he went off what he saw. Which, in his opinion, was never very good. But nobody could do good all the time. He was dragged to family dinners and team snack outings that he couldn't decline without looking suspicious. And he hated it. He hated the raised eyebrow from Suna when he said he wasn't hungry and when Atsumu piled food on his plate. He hated that they were ruining his control. _His_ control. Osamu had given up too much to be caught. So he ate the meals and choked down the snacks, only to try and force them back up in the early hours of the morning. Though, it was often too late and all that came up was bile and disappointment. And he _didn't_ cry in the bathroom while clutching his stomach that was still too full. He _didn't_. Because that would mean Osamu had lost control, and that never happened. Ever.

….………..

When he and Suna had started dating they had laid out ground rules. Osamu didn't really have any _(boundaries would humanize him, and he hated that),_ and Suna only had one. One that Osamu had broken to many times to count; Honesty. He didn't like lying to his boyfriend. He avoided it whenever he could. But sometimes when Suna asked what he had eaten, or if he was hungry he had no choice. It hurt him, all Suna asked was one thing and he couldn't even do that. It caused his guilt to eat away at him. Suna was far from gullible, and Osamu was sure his boyfriend had already seen past most of his lies. Suna looked at him with sad eyes when he declined food, and he was scared. Scared that somebody would find out and take this away from him.

It was only logical, he had to do something to make his guilt go away. So against his better judgement he turned back to cutting. Nothing too deep, he couldn't afford to be caught. So he lined his thighs with shallow little cuts. They didn't hurt much and barely bleed _(something that bothered him immensely)_ but they stung when he jumped and rubbed against his pants. But they also stung when Suna put a reassuring hand on his thigh or when Atsumu jokingly sat on his lap. He laughed lightly, his friends trying to make him feel loved while the cuts told him otherwise. The irony wasn't lost on him.


	20. Bokuto/Akaashi & Kuroo/Kenma Mafia AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here is another brief intermission from the angst for this Mafia AU. Tw// graphic violence and blood. Featuring jealous Bokuto and Kuroo. (kinda toxic but not really)

The minute Akaashi turned around he knew he had fucked up. The way Bokuto's eyes seemed to glow with rage attested to that. 

" _What_ did you just say?" Bokuto asked slowly, getting closer to Akaashi with every word. Akaashi hadn't meant to let it slip, he and Kenma had promised to keep it at secret, seeing as their boyfriends tended to get violent in these situations. "It was nothing important." Akaashi murmured trying to subtly scooch away from his boyfriend. 

To be fair it wasn't _really_ that important. He and Kenma had gone out clubbing like they usually did on Friday night to have some fun, and _most_ people knew they were off limits. They got the occasional offer or general flirting, but quickly shooed them away for their own safety. Akaashi and Kenma knew their boyfriends would never hurt them, but for the other person the same could not be said. Bokuto and Kuroo were well know in the areas they frequented so usually at the mention of their names the pursuers scrambled off. But today two had been particularly testy and wrapped their arms around Akaashi and Kenma's waists a little too tightly and whispered obscene things in their ears. It hadn't gone too far, security threw the bastards out, and Kenma and him had agreed it would be less messy if they didn't tell their boyfriends. And everything would be fine if Akaashi had been talking a little quieter to Kenma on the phone. 

"Did you just say somebody touched you?" Bokuto asked, though it wasn't really a question. He had caged Akaashi between his arms to prevent his escape and Kenma, being the bastard he was, had hung up as soon as he heard Bokuto. "No, we were talking about someone else" Akaashi lied, averting his eyes.

Bokuto huffed and tiled Akaashi's chin so he was looking him dead in the eyes." 'Kaashi, who touched you?" Akaashi really didn't want to tell him. "Bokuto, really it's fine-" Bokuto cut him off, gripping his chin a little tighter. "Who. Touched. You?" Akaashi sighed, Bokuto would figure it out eventually as he had an annoying amount of eyes around the city. But he wasn't going down by himself. "Me and Kenma got hit on by some guys at the club," he sighed, "it wasn't that bad." Akaashi added after seeing the look on Bokuto's face.

"Where?" Akaashi knew Bokuto was really mad when the usually hyperactive man was reduced to one word answers. "Um, the club we usually go to the one by-" 

"No, where did he touch you?" Bokuto asked, barely containing the anger that was evident behind his golden eyes. Akaashi pushed Bokuto away a little so that he could pull up his shirt. It was barely there, but if you really looked there were light finger shaped bruises on his waist. He knew Kenma was worse off, he bruised a lot easier than Akaashi did. "It's really okay, it's not even that-" Akaashi tried to reason, but Bokuto was already on the phone, clearly talking to Kuroo in harsh, short sentences. Kenma texted him a quick 'you suck', so he had definitely gotten caught as well. Bokuto was on and off the phone with several different people before an estranged smile had taken over his face. Akaashi had seen it many times before and shivered. Bokuto was now back on the phone with Kuroo who sent him a picture that he was currently glaring at. "Bokuto what-"

"Are these the guys?" Bokuto asked, shoving his phone in Akaashi's face. The picture showed him and Kenma sporting equally uncomfortable looks while trying to get out of the men at the clubs arms. Akaashi blanched at the photo. "How did you even..." He stuttered, sometimes Bokuto's power shocked even him. "One of Kuroo's men was there and sent the picture to him. So, I assume these are the targets correct?" 

Akaashi nodded slightly, and Bokuto pushed off the chair he was sitting on, making a beeline for the door. "Wait!" Akaashi yelped pulling Bokuto in a kiss before he left. "Don't kill them please." Bokuto stared at his boyfriend and gave him a light kiss on the forehead. "Fine, but only because you asked so nicely."

...………….

Kuroo was having the same issues. Though a little more composed than his owlish friend, he lost it easily when it came to his boyfriend. Kenma had been acting a little strange since he returned home from the club, and he planned to ask him what was wrong. But, before he could Bokuto had called him saying some guy had touched _his_ boyfriend. Kenma knew he was caught when he heard Bokuto over the phone, and sent Akaashi a quick text to show his displeasure before his boyfriend came bounding into their room. "Kenma, care to tell me what exactly happened at the club?" Kenma swore lightly, realizing Akaashi had already spilled the beans he had no choice. He lifted his shirt, turning to the side to show Kuroo the bruises. 

You could basically see the steam come out of Kuroo's ears and if not for the current situation Kenma would have laughed. "Who did this?" Kuroo asked in that clipped voice he usually got when angry. "I don't know Kuroo, I didn't exactly ask his name." Kenma said trying to lighten the mood. Kuroo stepped closer, lowering himself to get a better view of the bruises. Kenma was trying to calm his boyfriend to no avail. Kuroo stood back up with a scary look on his face. "I have some calls to make."

Kenma could only watch as Kuroo paced back and forth speaking in a stern voice to whoever he was talking to on the phone. After about 15 minutes some one sent him a picture that had him glaring at his phone screen. "Kenma are these the guys?" He asked handing Kenma his phone. Kenma raised a questioning eyebrow, "How did you even get this?"

Kuroo rolled his eyes, giving Kenma a kiss on the forehead. "I have eyes everywhere babe. Lev saw you guys and took the picture." Kenma swore the next time he saw that tall idiot he would strangle him, but he eventually nodded to Kuroo's question. "Good, I have some work to do then. Ill be back." Kenma grabbed Kuroo's arm before he left. "Don't hurt them too badly, okay?" Kuroo sent him a obviously fake innocent smile. "I wouldn't dream of it kitten."

....…………..

Bokuto and Kuroo arrived at the warehouse at roughly the same time. Both of them had driven way above the speed limit. With their combined effort they had located and caught the men who dared lay hands on their boyfriends within the hour. Konoha and Lev and met them at the door, describing the situation to their respective boss. Apparently the men had tried to put up a fight and had to be... subdued. But to their bosses orders, they weren't hurt too badly. Bokuto and Kuroo wanted the pleasure of hurting them all to themselves. Kuroo and Bokuto, now armed with their weapons of choice, made their way to the room at the far corner of the building, aptly named the 'Torture Room'. Bokuto favored a bat and Kuroo a knife. It was a pretty little dagger Kenma had bought him a while back, which felt appropriate for the occasion. 

Bokuto and Kuroo had done this many times before, though never for this reason. No one had dared touch their lovers. The mere thought of it made their blood boil. When they entered the room the men were already tied down. They only sported a few bruises, which made Bokuto smile a bit. He loved working on a blank canvas. Bokuto approached the man on the right and Kuroo the one on the left. Bokuto put his bat under the mans chin, tilting it up. "I heard you like to play with things that aren't yours." The mans face contorted into something that looked like a scowl. "Fuck you." He spat, looking defiant even though he was currently chained to the ground. Bokuto's sadistic smile vanished into a cold glare. Bokuto pulled the bat back and slammed it against the mans jaw. The sickening crunch of teeth resounded through the room. Bokuto felt a swell of pride when he looked at the mans bloody mouth. So he did it again, this time on the other side of his face. He swung harder, this time causing multiple teeth along with blood to fly out of his mouth. He planned to swing again right at the top of his head, but Kuroo grabbed his hand. "I'm sure Akaashi asked for his life to be spared, don't kill him." Bokuto tutted softly, and lowered the bat. He went for the legs instead. 

Kuroo's approach was much different. Bokuto went for blood, but Kuroo wanted to hear his guy scream. Kuroo didn't want to play with his victim. So without any warning he stuck his blade into the mans arm. When his yelp of pain was enough to satisfy Kuroo, he pulled the blade out and dug it in his leg next. The man tried to hold back his screams, seeing that Kuroo enjoyed them. Kuroo simply smiled at the man, the same faux innocent smile he had given Kenma, and stood back to his full height. The man nearly sighed in relief when Kuroo removed his hand from the dagger, only to gawk again when he put his foot on it. And with his full weight Kuroo pushed the blade through his leg, easily tearing a scream from the mans throat. Kuroo sported a sadistic smile of his own and he moved his foot under the wound and ripped the dagger back out. Kuroo experimented on what would hurt him most. Long thin cuts across his chest or deep cuts through his legs. He decided on a mixture of both.

....……….

When they finally walked out of the room both of their victims were unconscious. They had given their weapons to Washio for cleaning, and were now slumped on one of the ratty couches the warehouse had to offer. "You feel any better?" Kuroo asked, taking a long drag from his cigarette. 

"A little." Bokuto replied before taking a drag of his own. Kuroo nodded understandingly. He would have felt better if he killed the bastard, but he had respected Kenma's wishes and kept them alive. "Akaashi's gonna kill you for getting that suit dirty." Kuroo said, gesturing to the blood spattered across his clothes. Bokuto chuckled lightly, "I could say the same to you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I have homework to do. Yes, I wrote a Mafia AU instead. What about it?


	21. Tendou/Ushijima Feudal Era Request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about the Feudal Era, so everything is probably hella inaccurate, but this request was super detailed so I wanted to give it a shot. 
> 
> Tw// internalized homophobia, self-harm, character death

With his strange potions and bright hair it was no wonder he was killed. That's what Ushijima had told himself ever since his death. He rationalized it as much as he could, the healer was odd with weird tendencies and unnatural features. He had showed up years ago, with bottles of strange colored liquids and tiny leaves claiming he could heal people. Of course people were scared. It made sense. But Ushijima had gotten to know him far beyond what the villagers knew, even if he didn't mean to _(or was allowed to)_.

With such skill the healer, who he later found out was named Tendou, was brought directly to the noble family. They were of the same age, it was natural that they spent time together. Tendou had taught him how to make simple salves and Ushijima had taught Tendou the countries origins. Ushijima would even go as far as to say they were friends. His parents weren't fond of the red haired boy, and only through begging did they allow them time together. He didn't know why he was so drawn to Tendou, maybe it was the way he always put others first, or the dedication to his craft, or his beautiful eyes and soft hair and-

None of that mattered now because Tendou was dead. When Ushijima had awoke that day the deed was already done. The villagers, under direct orders from his parents, had ambushed Tendou in his small house not far from the palace. They had broken or damaged all of his inventory. All that was left was the bottles he had stored in Ushijima's room for 'safe keeping'. Apparently someone he healed had spread rumors of witchcraft throughout the village. He couldn't even go see Tendou's body, funerals were intimate and he didn't want his parents to know how he felt about the boy. He wasn't ashamed, _he wasn't._

Tendou was soon forgotten by everyone except him. A new healer was brought in _(one with normal hair and normal features)_ and all past faults were deemed fixed. But Ushijima couldn't forget him _(or the way his lips felt in dark corridors after everyone had gone to bed)._ They were more than friends. They had done _things_ friends didn't do _(or rather weren't supposed to do)._ And no matter how ashamed he was to have done all this with a _boy_ , he knew he would easily do it again if Tendou were here. Something about the red head enticed him even in death. Ushijima just couldn't let go.

It had started on a particularly bad day. The guilt had consumed him ever since that day and was steadily getting worse. _If he had been there Tendou would still be alive._ He was feeling more reminiscent than usual, so he had reached for the box of odds and ends Tendou left in his room months ago, saying he'd be back for them soon. Ushijima had only looked at them once since Tendou died. He had changed out the old wooden box they were originally in into something more elaborate and ornamental. If the maids had seen the shabby wooden box they would have thrown it away immediately. The box was filled with things Ushijima had never gotten the time to learn about. Some red liquid substance, green powder, and yellowing leaves. Also in the box was a knife. He had seen Tendou use it, chopping up things and putting them into different containers. It had an elaborate silver handle and was by far one of the nicest things Tendou had owned. But now Tendou was dead.

_dead_

_dead_

_dead_

And it was Ushijima's fault. He didn't really think about it too much when he pushed the sleeves of his robes up and pressed the knife into his skin. He remembered the times he would go to the forests with Tendou, picking out different leaves and plants. Or the times he would run his hands through his hair, fascinated by the color of it. He pressed down harder.


	22. Tsukishima/Akaashi/Bokuto/Kuroo Angst Request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw// eating disorders, vomiting
> 
> (ps, tsukishima is a literature major and akaashi is a culinary major because I said so)

Tsukishima felt horrible as he flushed another one of Akaashi's delicious meals down the toilet. It was good, it really was. But he hated the other feelings that came with Akaashi's home cooked meals. His thoughts had spiraled as he watched the older man cook. Akaashi was more focused on flavor than calories and he added oil and butter that Tsukishima just couldn't afford to keep down. He wanted to enjoy the meal, he wanted to laugh with Kuroo and Bokuto as he ate. But he couldn't. His mind was going over how many calories were in this meal he hadn't intended on eating. He was gonna go way over his limit. He had no choice. So he praised Akaashi on his cooking, excused himself, and puked it all right back up.

Tsukishima didn't like throwing up, it was a means to an end. It was also very risky, with 3 very intuitive boyfriends less than fifty feet away from you at all times. The apartment they shared was nowhere near big enough for the privacy he needed. He preferred not to eat at all, only puking if he had to _(which was starting to become more often)_. In high school it was easy. His parents worked a lot and Akiteru was off at college. It was easy to measure out whatever he deemed a sufficient amount of calories _(not over 500, never over 500)_ and grabbing some water. He felt so in control. Even when his hair was thinning and his nails were turning blue he still felt devoted to continue. He wasn't sick, he could fix this. He took vitamins and protein shakes which gave him the illusion of being healthy. He never passed out, no matter how much the sick voice in his head wanted him to and he never got caught.

But college had presented him with new found freedom and downfalls. During the day when he sat in lectures that droned on for hours, he had no obligation to eat. In fact he could go days without it, telling his boyfriends he ate after class and without any reason for distrust, they believed him. Everyone was busy. Bokuto was already 2 years ahead of him and though he was a sports major he still had to take math classes. Akaashi was studying culinary arts and was knee deep in textbooks studying for a nutrition test. And Kuroo was doing something in the chemistry field _(he had explained it to Tsukishima several times and he never understood any of it)_.

He abused his newfound freedom in every way he could. He couldn't help the slight smile he had when he ordered _'just a small black coffee please'_ at the campus café. To be honest he didn't even like black coffee, it was far too bitter, but to add sugars and creams was just adding pointless calories. He sipped his coffee and grimaced slightly every time. Or when he woke up early in the morning to pull out the scale he had hidden under the sink. He would step on it with clothes on first and scowl at the number, before taking everything off and stepping back on. He loved watching the numbers go up and down before settling at an acceptable number. He liked to stay between a small set of numbers, just underweight but not alarmingly so. Just enough where that at first glance he looked healthy, but longer you looked you noticed collarbones and angles that could be considered concerning. God forbid the numbers go any higher than that, it wasn't pretty. He would cry and cry and step on and off the scale until he was sure the appalling numbers were correct. Then he would dry his eyes and fast until the numbers were okay again. Because he was in control, he could make the numbers go as far down as he wanted, and he loved it.

But somedays were not so great. When Akaashi brought home some experimental dish or Bokuto had bought donuts on his way home from practice or when Kuroo had insisted they eat out after finals were over. Those days were bittersweet, he got to spend time with his boyfriends, laughing and joking and wiping frosting off each others lips. But there was a voice in the back of his head telling him he had to get of everything he consumed, and he knew it was right. So in restaurant bathrooms, or the shower, or sometimes even alleys behind movie theaters, he shoved his fingers down his throat to right his wrongs. He was shameless, washing his hands and spritzing on cologne and laughing with his boyfriends like nothing ever happened. And on even worse days he couldn't even do that. He would get pulled from a restaurant to a park or from a mid-day lunch to a lecture and there was no time in-between to stop by a bathroom, or shower, or back alley. So he was stuck digesting the food until it sat in the pit of his stomach, far too late to do anything about it. At those times he wondered if he should just opt out of dates and lunches and movies with his boyfriends. He wondered who he loved more, his control or them, until he shook his head to get rid of the question. He doesn't think he'll like the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it's not a happy ending but it's not a sad one either so it counts.


	23. Kenma/Kuroo/Bokuto/Akaashi Request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw// eating disorders

Kenma woke up in the same bed he had every day for the past 2 years. He untangled himself from Kuroo and went to the bathroom like he always did. Then he pulled out his scale, the same one he's had since high school, and stepped on it like he did every day. The numbers were higher than they were usually, the dinner he had with his boyfriends yesterday had stuck to him. Just like he knew it would. He sighed and pushed the scale back into it's rightful place. He was growing tired of this routine.

....……..

Kenma wasn't really sure why he did this. Day in and day out, like clockwork. It wasn't that he didn't eat. God, he wished that was the problem. But he did eat, and he was so very aware of it. In high school it didn't bother him as much, most of the calories he was forced to consumed were burned off in volleyball practice. But he didn't play volleyball anymore. The most exercise he got was walking to and from his classes. Not to mention his boyfriends were built like Greek gods. Bokuto still played and usually invited Kuroo to his practices, and even though Akaashi usually worked from home he still managed to stay fit. He didn't understand why his stubborn body couldn't just be like that. He had restricted what he ate for years and he still didn't even look _decent_. 

....……….

He could feel the spiral coming. He usually could. He had never really recovered, so he relapsed often. Falling farther down the hole each time. One step forward, two steps back. He had eaten out with his boyfriends, Bokuto had won a game which was reason enough to celebrate. And he had been foolish enough to eat his entire plate. And the scale went up, higher than it had been in weeks, and he crashed. He had worked hard to get where he was, he had given up so much. And curled up on the bathroom floor he decided he needed to try harder.


	24. Multi fandom??????

Okay, firstly thank you guys for 10k reads!!!!! It's nice to know other people enjoy my random venting lol. I was thinking about making this a multi fandom fic, so if you have any other angsty anime tropes drop them in the comments. I was mainly thinking yuri on ice, bsd and bnha, but I'll take any and see what I can do. Luv u guys❤❤❤❤❤❤


	25. Kenma/Kuroo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: eating disorders, self-mutilation
> 
> (this is hella ooc, but im venting so whatever)

Kenma wanted to throw his scale against the wall and smash it into pieces. The flashing red numbers were taunting him, reading the same numbers he had read for the past week. Why wasn't he losing anymore? He had eaten so little in the past 48 hours that his head was starting to spin, but he still hadn't even lost a single ounce. He stepped on and off the scale a few more times before kicking it and lightly cursing. He was trying so hard and yet the scale refused to budge. He just had to try harder.

Obviously the diet plan he was on now wasn't working, he must still have been eating too much. Carbs and sugars clung to his body in ways he couldn't afford. So he cut them both out. Natural sugars were okay, but anything else was against his new rules. He didn't care if his body needed them to function, if his body had just lost the weight when he tried he wouldn't be in this mess. But no, stubborn fat had clung onto every part of him. If his body was truly hungry it could eat the disgusting fat deposits it had created, because he wasn't feeding it any more than that.

Fruits and vegetables were okay in small portions, and coffee could give him the energy he lacked. That's all he needed. Greed had gotten him here. He had eaten whatever he wanted for years, and now he was paying the price for it. The baby fat from fifteen years of indulgence was wrapped around him. All the snacks he had absentmindedly eaten when he was gaming, the team meals he had eaten in the haze of a win, every piece of food the passed through his lips haunted him. If he hadn't eaten it would he be at his goal? 

It was a Saturday, he wasn't obligated to see anyone or do anything. He could fast until Monday, then eat small snacks before practice. He could do that every week. Fast over the weekend, and only eat small snacks during the week. This would work, it had to.

….……….

He was shakier than normal, but it was nothing he couldn't pass off as a chill. It was getting colder, a light layer of snow had covered the ground. It wasn't like what everyone said, he didn't get super cold or shiver even in heat. _(That's because he wasn't sick enough yet. He was fat and disgusting and warm.)_ He wanted to, though. He knew he shouldn't, but he did. He wanted to shiver because that would show that he was sick, that he had gotten bad, that he needed help. Instead his body was still, dizzy from lack of food, but not shaking. Because he wasn't sick enough for help, there were people out there who needed it more than he did. He was just some dizzy kid who starved and couldn't even lose a few pounds. 

...………...

Practice was easy enough to get through. His before practice snack ensured he had just enough energy not to pass out. He was a little dizzy, but the team had only joked about him tripping over his own feet and stumbling around. _(He's sure if he was small and fragile like he wanted to be, they would have asked if he was okay and carefully lead him to sit down on the bench. He's sure that they would have cared about him then.)_ And though he could make it through practices, he was only managing to get through the rest of the day by the skin on his teeth. His energy had been used up in convincing the team he was okay and he had very little to get through his classes. He only brought two apples _(or whatever fruit he wanted that day)_ to eat before morning and afternoon practice. The time between that was usually a blur. He didn't have the energy to grasp anything he was taught, so he took messy notes and tried to make sense of them at home after he had drank a cup of coffee.

Lunches were hard too, Kuroo seemed to be on to him. The older boy always gave him pieces of his own lunch, telling Kenma he needed energy for practice. And he hated it. He pushed Kuroo's food away and scoffed at his attempts to give him more. He loved his boyfriend, he really did. But who was Kuroo to try and make him eat. Kuroo was perfect, he had a beautiful face with a body to match. _He_ didn't have to starve to look halfway decent, _he_ didn't cry when he looked in the mirror, _he_ wasn't bad like Kenma was. The food on his plate was offensive. Did he want Kenma to be bad forever? He felt bad when he pushed Kuroo's food away, saying he had already eaten and wasn't hungry. But Kuroo didn't understand, he didn't have to, he was gorgeous in everything that he did. Kenma was only trying to make himself better and once he was this wouldn't be a problem anymore.

.................

Sometimes at night when the shooting pains in his stomach were keeping him awake, he thought of what things would be like when he reached his goal weight. He would go out on dates with Kuroo and order tiny portions and still get full. He would wear tight clothes that made him feel nice and go shopping more. Kuroo would pick him up and kiss him because he was so light that it didn't take any effort at all. It made him remember what he was working towards. 

....………...

When he stepped on the scale again he was sure to take everything off. Clothes, hair ties, socks. He wanted to make sure the number was as low as it could possibly be. He took a deep breath and stepped on. The same number from before flashed up at him. He shook his head and stepped on and off over and over again only for the same number to appear. This couldn't be right. He had barely eaten anything in three days. _Three fucking days_. And yet he was still in the same spot. He vaguely wondered how much his hair weighed. If he cut it all off would the scale move down, closer to the number he had been trying to reach for months? He wondered if he tore off his skin piece by piece if the numbers would go where he wanted them to. Or maybe if he cut off his fingers or toes would he finally see the numbers he wanted to? He slammed his head back against the tiled wall. Over and over again. He would just have to try harder.


End file.
